If The Apocalypse Happened Today


I think we’re on the precipice of the Apocalypse.

Starving people are dying on the streets and no one cares, earthquakes rattle the earth like a kid playing with a snow globe, more women are getting fake boobs, and people are spelling worse than ever.

I–in my abnormal, but normal frame of mind–thought about what would happen if the apocalypseApocalypse would happen, like, right now. I am imagining some of the things people would say. Quite possibly, many wouldn’t even know what was happening:

“Is there a solar eclipse today?”

“Quite a storm we’re having. Did you see the size of those hail stones? Jesus!”

“Shit. The power just went out and I’m in the middle of watching the series finale of Breaking Bad!!!”

Knock on the door….“Hey there! Your costume is really like-like! I love the Grim Reaper look, but Halloween isn’t for another month. Wait a minute…

“Quick! Grab all the booze and my latest copy of People magazine!!”

“Since I’m on a cleanse, this whole Apocalypse thing should be rather easy from here on out.”

chiggers“I didn’t know God made chiggers that big.  He looks hungry; let’s send him over to Justin Bieber’s house.”

“Jesus looks like Dick Cheney. Wait a minute–it IS Dick Cheney and he has a shotgun. Everybody run!”

“At least ISIS will go to hell.”

“That was a really loud voice, and I know it wasn’t my mother’s–hers was a lot raspier from smoking all those Kools. I didn’t hear any swearing either.”

“He proposed to me during the Apocalypse. It was a short engagement.”

“We can’t have an Apocalypse now! The Cubs are going to win the world series next year!”

“My eyes were just glued to my smart phone and the next thing ya know, I’m surrounded by a ring of fire and everything just went dark. Was it something I downloaded?”

“Apple has something to do with this, don’t they?”

“I better check the expiration dates on my twenty cans of beets. On second thought, I doubt beets have an expiration date. Beets are like Twinkies. We’re good.”

“Fire in the hole!”

“Oh, sure. I’m on hold with tech support for 42 minutes and when I finally get them on the line, I get disconnected.”

“Facebook is down? Well, that sucks. I wanted to post my hatred for something…anything while being vague about it.”

“There must be an Atheist convention in town.”

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