Today is the first day of 2014, and I spent about three hours going through my computer’s wardrobe closet.
My computer makes HUGE fashion faux pas. She wears plaid pants with striped shirts accompanied by Ugg boots. We call this look, “Malware.”
Yes, it was all purchased at the mall, however, my computer thinks that these are the only items she purchased. Oh, contrare. The malware look actually provides layers and layers of clothing on top of that pair of plaid pants and striped shirt. It becomes, oh, I don’t know – what’s the word I’m looking for? Sweltering. You start to slow down because you have so many layers of clothing on and don’t even realize it. Honestly, I would be sweating to death with all those layers on, but my computer always has a fan with her to keep her cool.
For those who are acute with fashion, layers has always been a trend. But, with the malware look, 5,345 layers makes ya look kind of chunky, don’t ya think?
My computer started to act sluggish. At first, I thought it was all the Christmas cookies she ate (I didn’t tell her I noticed all the powdered sugar on the keyboard which was a dead give-away). She would then just decide to take a nap while I was working with her on a project. I’m like, “Yo! We have work to do here; wake up and smell your graphics board!”
She was becoming hazardous to my well being. An intervention had to be done to protect her from further embarrassment. I tried calling on a few of her computer relatives, but they were all “in the shop,” which I do believe is malware code for “rehab.”
I tried to talk my computer out of this fashion trend and she agreed. She changed her chunky, layered trend to spyware. Spyware is the look of Goth, only it has a more distinct and disturbing Girl With The Dragon Tattoo look with multiple personalities. Spyware may sound like an appealing look for some, but you really need a great memory to remember how to keep all those names and credit card numbers straight when you’re ripping off someone while shopping online.
My girl had some great spyware trends. She donned advertisements for me and would ask me how they looked on her. I told her, “They look trashy and annoying. Rid yourself of these accessories before I get serious on your ass.”
She didn’t like my response and continued with her spyware trend until I had no other alternative but to intervene one last time and clean up her act for good.
My computer is quiet now. The cleansing of the rehabilitation process (thanks to yours truly), seemed to have lifted her spirits up. The malware and spyware fashion trends are a not so distant past. My computer now wears a simple white button down shirt with black pants while looking out her bedroom windows.