Dogs Talk. Really.


I’m not crazy. I didn’t hit my head on something and all of a sudden my dogs were talking in perfect, succinct English. I didn’t go all batshit on someone and have a blood vessel pop causing me to have an epiphany followed by what appeared to be an aura like glow surrounding my three dogs who began singing,  “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar,” especially since only one of them is female.

No.

My three dogs talk to one another. Here’s how the conversation typically goes:

Sarge (the oldest) talking to Crusher (the baby): “If you touch any of my toys, bones, sniff around my crate or eat my food, I will chomp down on your head and have it for breakfast, ya got that, you yippety ball of fur? Oh, and hiding underneath that table isn’t going to stop me from chasing you. I’ll just sit here patiently. I have all day.”

Sarge is a hoarder. If I toss a toy into the air for one of the other dogs, he snatches it mid-air and just walks off with it and puts it in a pile with the other toys he’s collected. He then sits next his prized possessions and waits to see if anyone approaches to take them.

Lucy, (aka – “Devil Dog”), is my shadow. She has also taken on the motherly role of tending to Crusher, our newest member of our family, who is now about 15 weeks old. Lucy has been more than patient with Crusher, who will taunt, bark, bite and walk on Lucy whenever and wherever he can. They’ve become inseparable, but that’s only because Lucy can’t shake him fast enough to get any sleep. This is their typical conversation:

Lucy: “Wanna play?”

Crusher: “Yeah! Yeah! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!”

Lucy: “Ok. Go get one of the toys by Sarge. I’ll wait here.”

Crusher: “Is this an initiation?”

Lucy: “No. I just want you away from me for ten seconds. But, I’ll be right behind you if he decides to give you a hard time.”

Crusher: “ooooooh. I don’t know. He drools alot. He stares down at me. I can take him!”

He runs off and starts getting all yippety with Sarge. Sarge is patient and kind. Regal. Crusher distracts him in only a way that Crusher knows how (bites his tail), and Crusher returns with a toy.

Lucy: “Good Boy!”

They wrestle for what appears to be hours. Their energy has no boundaries. Sarge in the meantime just sits by and watches. “What idiots. I’m napping.”

Now, we cue Crusher and his conversations….with himself.

“That picture frame looks mighty yummy. I think I’ll chew on it.”

“What’s that shovel by the fireplace doing there? I’ll take it and bring it to mommy so she can use it pick up my dog poop.”

“I want a cookie.”

“I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you!”

“Mommy calls this a remote when she took it out of my mouth. It didn’t taste like anything I’d want to eat, but my teeth are KILLING ME!”

“SHOES!!!!!!!”

“Let’s jump on this big potted plant and sit in it for awhile. It’s cool here, and Mommy can’t find me to yell at me for digging a hole in the back by the tree.”

“I know how much mommy loves plants. I’ll dig up this hosta for her and bring it to the door.”

“Digging in the water bowl is the BEST!!!!”

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