1. Don’t Crowd My Door. What is this, Walmart on the Day after Thanksgiving Sale? Jesus, it’s only Candy, kids….Back off, Batman! Maybe I should have numbers like they do at the deli counter. “Now serving the kid dressed like Darth Vader.” Sometimes, trick or treaters come in packs of six or ten along with their parents with their pets who are dressed up, as well as infant children in strollers. The mayhem on the sidewalk makes me want to put in a streetlight with a crossing guard.
2. How Old ARE You? I have a rule when someone approaches my door and wants candy. If you have facial hair like a mustache, beard or unibrow, deep voice, hairy arms and/or legs, have a cigarette in your hand with a can a beer in the other, are over six feet in height, and can’t afford a proper candy container (i.e. uses a fricking pillowcase), You will be refused candy. Oh, and don’t come to my door when it’s 8 pm at night and halloween visiting hours stopped at 7 pm. LOSER.
3. One Piece of Candy at a Time Please. So, a cute little princess dips her pretty little hand into my dish and takes oh, TEN pieces of candy from my stash. As I smack her hand and watch the shocked look on her little face as the candy is released back into the “wild”, her face turns beet red and she starts to cry. GET OVER IT KID, and don’t get so fricking greedy. And, no. I’ve never smacked a kids hand. I’ve given the stink eye to the parents of the kid though, and they told the kid she could keep eight pieces….THANKS MOM.
4. What Happened to Those Three Magic Words??? So, I skip to the door enthusiastically with a smile on my face, open the door and expect those three words…..TRICK OR TREAT!!!!!! Instead I hear crickets, and plastic bags crackling as they open up so I can drop candy into them. What happened? Doesn’t anyone say Trick or Treat anymore? I want kids to say those words, just like people used to say “cheese” right before a picture was taken. What happened to THAT word too? Oh, the humanity!