I always wonder during this time of year, where it all goes. The word, “all” encompasses several things: Time, money, space, and food. I think you can all relate as I rattle off some more pet peeves of mine just in time for the holiday season:
1. Time. If we wore three watches, would we be allowed triple time more than everybody else so that we can get all the crap done that we need to get done before, ahem, SANTA arrives? The time it takes to plan out family gatherings, follow up with everyone to see if they’re actually gonna show up, plan out that menu (you’re vegetarian???), the grocery list (God forbid you run out of the famed jelly cranberries in a can on the BIG day), clean the house, set the table, and actually COOK the meal? In my point of view, all of this is a rather daunting task for one person, but I actually like slave labor. I want to see smiles on everyone’s faces as they eat a meal that my husband and I prepare because it was made out of love, rather than the usual disdain and disgust as my husband would eloquently put it.
2. Money. Where does it all go? It’s like “FM” (Fucking Magic)….Gone in an instant on that long list of presents that (ahem), Santa leaves good little boys and girls. So, this year everyone gets a Totes Umbrella…..maybe some slippers – I haven’t made up my mind yet, but at least everyone will look the same after we’re all done opening presents, and we’ll all be prepared for inclement weather while walking down the driveway to get the Sunday paper. And, if you’re one of those people who gets the paper delivered right on your doorstep….I hate you.
3. Space. Ahhhhhh, Christmas Shopping….on a weekend….with about 100,000 other people. Oh, there’s a big sale at Macy’s? For Totes Umbrellas???!!! I’m there….along with 1,000 other people. Oooh! There’s one red umbrella left let me just grab….HEY!!!! that lady just ripped that umbrella out of my hand! …………………………….
Sooooooooooooo, after I left the police station, I really enjoyed the space I had to myself in my holding cell. I could actually walk around it without someone in front of me suddenly stopping to either take a phone call, text someone or yell to their friend, “Look at those red suede pumps! I’ve been needing a pair!”
4. Food. ALOT OF FOOD this time of year. You buy it. You cook it, bake it, fry it, roast it…whatever. The outcome is the ingestion of it by everyone you invite over, or if you go to someone else’s pad. Why is there so much indulgence with food this time of year? I have never seen so many fruit cakes and candy in my life at the grocery store than this time of year. What does a fruit cake taste like anyway? The pictures don’t look very appealing to me. It looks like it could give someone a concussion if you hit them in the head with it, not to mention choking on all that fruit. I’ll take a pass, thanks.
So, let me hear from you – whoever you are that read my blog. What are your pet peeves for this festive holiday season? What turns you from being Jolly and Merry to Angry and Crazy?