Yesterday, which happened to be a Saturday, my husband and I along with our two oldest sons decided to go to Woodfield Mall, the second largest mall on the planet, to buy Christmas presents.
This was not my idea.
The boys, both being of teenage years, either don’t give a damn about the hassles of last minute Christmas shopping, or they just don’t manage their time very well. I’ll say yes to both.
As we were driving toward the mall, I told Dave, “Don’t go crazy on me trying to find a parking spot….patience, Luke.” I should have heeded those words myself since I was the one who wanted to throw my ice scraper and Totes umbrella out of my car window toward the bastards who jam up an entire parking lot aisle waiting for a family of TEN to pack their brood up in the car.
What are people thinking when they see a large group of people getting into a tiny clown car with about fifty packages in tow? Do they think this troupe is just going to jump right in and blast out of the parking space so you can mosey on in? These very patient people also had alot of time of their hands because, although I didn’t actually have a stop watch with me, I would guess that the idiot waiting for this group of people to pack it up and leave took about 15 minutes. It was absurd.
Here’s my strategy for parking at the mall…yeah, yeah…..leave it to a “woman” to give anyone parking advice. Trust me, I’ve seen some BAD parking in my day and I can tell you that I have NEVER driven into a parking spot that was clearly someone else’s at the ready (i.e. the guy with the blinker on and the wife on the outside of the car waving him in like he was a Cessna 182).
When parking at the mall around Christmas time on a weekend, and especially the weekend before Christmas, find the stores which you know wouldn’t have alot of customers….like Firestone. I don’t think anyone has tires on their Christmas list this year, do they? If you do, you’re an idiot….pick a better gift. Anyway, I digress……
Stores that draw a smaller crowd is the first strategy in looking for decent parking. This will probably not help much because most people just want to get INTO the mall without having to walk the 50 or so yards before their skin starts to freeze and their lips turn blue.
So, when that fails, timing is everything. You can be like a relative (whom I will not mention in this article), who likes to drive around the same few rows until a spot opens up. Now, we could be driving in circles for hours on end, but it wouldn’t matter. This particular parking area is what this relative is familiar with and that’s it….end of story. Getting car sick? Get out. Close to closing time? Too bad. Hey, just slow down the car to a crawl and I’ll roll out so I can end my nausea.
Ok – so, you’ve actually made it thru the mall doors. Now what? First and foremost, stay on the OUTSIDE of the crowd barrier. People who walk up the middle are going to run into the biggest pet peeve on the planet (at least my biggest pet peeve), which is people stopping mid walk while you are behind them to either:
1. Take a phone call (because we can’t walk and talk at the same time)
2. Text (See number 1 above)
3. Attend to a screaming child in a stroller, or worse, attend to a child who is breaking out of the stroller and making a run for it.
4. Last but not least, the dreaded window shopper/stopper.
All of these people need to die. Listen people – I’m on a mission here. I’m at the mall to get the items on my christmas list: chia pet, live goldfish and golf tees…. no one is going to stop me. If you break my stride, there will be dirty looks and scowls aplenty, I promise you that.
And, that Christmas Spirit you had when you drove to the mall? Where the hell did THAT go? Oh yeah….
It’s waiting for me at home.
In a bottle.
Labeled WINE……for the whiner.