Is It Just Me, Or……


I must have too much going on in my life because I’m starting to get irritated by stuff that typically doesn’t irritate me. It’s like a rash, or a sliver that you can’t quite get out of your right middle finger. I articulate the right hand because it takes your left hand to manipulate the tweezers correctly to remove it (and this sucks if you’re right handed).

So, let’s start with the simple irritations:

1. Walking barefoot after waiting thru a long winter to do so and feeling the soft grass underfoot when all of a sudden the bottom of your foot is pierced with a jagged edge of mulch resulting in searing pain and a limp.

2. When you have a cute little puppy (who I now call the devil), pick her up and put her close to your face so you can give her a kiss on the nose and she bites you on the lip. This didn’t happen one time. No, no. no…..Nancy is too stupid and a sucker for cute little puppy faces. This has happened FOUR times. I’m looking up plastic surgeons as we speak.

3. Cute little puppy irritation number 2: the little puddles she likes to leave in the house which seem invisible to you as you race down the stairs where she strategically leaves the messy puddle right at the bottom of the stairs so you can fall on your ass….Oh, and lunge forward and hit your head on the sofa. Too bad it wasn’t on video or else it would have been hilarious to see. The bruise? Not so much.

Oh, and I’ll also mention that the above simple little irritations all happened on the same day.

4. Which brings me to my fourth irritation: Simple irritations that happen to me all in the same day. It makes me want to go into my bedroom, shut the door, the blinds and get under the covers for the rest of the day.

Onto the more major irritations. Maybe we should call these rashes…or goiters.

Goiter #1 – And, I’ve mentioned this before, but people please……Don’t write checks at the grocery store. If you insist on writing a damn check, write it out while you’re waiting in that long line. You know who it needs to be made out to and you know how to sign your name and date the darn thing. Save us poor people who actually use a debit card the sake of time and be a little more efficient for the rest of us, will ya?

Goiter #2 – If you’ve got a buddy system at the gym, don’t save gym equipment with your towel, water bottle, or hoodie. It’s not my problem if your buddy slept late or can’t get anywhere on time. That piece of equipment I’ve been waiting for is MINE, and if you tell me you’re saving it, I’ll hand you your towel and say, “You’re not anymore.”

Goiter #3 – Hey old lady with your old frail husband –  Do you think you can maybe hold the door open for the poor guy as he’s trying to get into the restaurant instead of having it get slammed on his recent hip replacement while he tries to walk inside? I open more doors for the elderly because they have such a difficult time getting in and out of restaurants and stores with their canes, or they are so slow to walk, the doors will try to close on them. It’s even worse when their husband and or wife doesn’t give a crap.

Goiter #4 – Let’s go shopping at the mall! I’m not a shopper. I know, I know. I’m a woman and I hate to shop. What makes it even worse is during the holidays when the mall is crammed with people and you’re walking in front of a group of slow walkers and they just decide to stop in their tracks right in front of you. These near misses or actually bumping into the people in front of you is probably one of my biggest goiter irritations EVER.

I look at mall traffic like road traffic except the light is eternally green. That means keep it moving people. Only when you see a store you want to walk into are you allowed to stop….once you’re in the store.

Goiter #5 – Texting and Driving. Yeah, it still happens – I see it. You know who you are – STOP IT.

Goiter #6 – When it takes my kid 3 days to do his laundry. He puts clothes in the washing machine and leaves. Comes back 5 hours later, puts wet (or almost dry clothes at this point) in the dryer and starts another load. The clothes that are now in the dryer will stay there until the following day. The clothes in the washer may or may not have started turning moldy. After his loads are done, I do my wash, and what do I find the dryer? His last load of clothes….3 days later. August 18th can’t some soon enough.

Goiter #7 – Why do people find it appealing to wear sweat pants pulled up to their armpits? In the middle of summer?  If you’re that cold, get a fleece jumpsuit or a snuggie.

Goiter #8 – Hey old guy at the gym? You need a license to wear spandex. And Big Black guy with huge upper torso with toothpick legs? Quit oiling yourself before you workout. No one wants to go near the equipment that you’ve used after you’ve used it.

Almost done….

Goiter #9 – Dear Allison Rosati (you knew this was coming), please, PLEASE get yourself a wardrobe stylist who can secretly remove that soap on the rope necklace your kids made for you in arts and crafts class and replace that Rorshach patterned shirt with something borrowed from Marion Brooks closet. I think my migraines are brought on by your bright pink, neon green, wool and burlap outfits.

Goiter #10 – Drivers who are in front of you making a right hand turn. You were at one point going 80 in a 45 and then decide to turn right at a snail’s pace…..REALLY?? I can order dinner, eat it and walk home from Wisconsin by the time you finish making that fricking turn!

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2 thoughts on “Is It Just Me, Or……

  1. Ms. Nancy, I know what you’re talkin’ about in Goiter No. 10, because, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, have had the same thing happen to me. Every time I get behind somebody who drives a Chevette, any Hyundai, or that crazy little Smart Car, which really should be called a dumb car, I’m amazed. Why you ask? Because those cars seem like they have no turn signals and no brake lights. Just the other day, I was behind one of those damn Hyundais and the driver was driving so erratically that I wish I had a snow plow on the front of my SUV so I could shove it off the side of the road and smash it into a tree so the scrap metal guy who comes by on Sunday night in his red pickup truck could scoop that shit up and drop it at the dump where it belongs. I get behind those cars and I know right away by the make and model that it’s gonna be a problem. This morning, though, on the way to work, it was a trifecta! It was a Chevette with the driver texting and the tail lights were out on the car! I had to follow him for two miles down Oak Park Avenue and finally, I bailed on a side street because I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

  2. Hey Rosanne Roseannadanna – With regard to number 10, the only person who should die is the person making that slow, painful right hand turn. I swear, the slowness of it all allows me to recap my entire high school life…..that was the best seven years of my life! LOL

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