Pulp Fiction – Lucy Style….


If I knew she would be doing this type of activity, I could have saved myself some money at Office Max on an office shredder and just have her do it for me instead.

I’m talking paper products, people. Paper in the trash, paper towels and toilet paper to be exact. I try to put myself into her “paws”, so to speak, and think like a dog. But, I am finding it extemely difficult to understand her compulsion to eye, hunt down, pounce upon and completely destroy a roll of toilet paper until it is a pulp like mess.

Does Lucy think these paper products are predators? Are they talking to her in a threatening tone? Does she hear voices coming from the trash can taunting her and calling her names? Do I need an Exorcist to relieve my puppy of paper paralysis?

I don’t get it.

She rips apart a roll of toilet paper like she’s just scored a win with a squirrel. Take a look at this picture. If you look close enough, there’s blood on it from her teeth. I didn’t think toilet paper could be such a threat to a puppy, but apparently to Lucy they are evil.

Paper towels are no exception. These were her first victims. she managed to rip open a new package of paper towels and shred at least four of them to the likes of ramen noodles.

We’ve provided her with bully sticks, which she absolutely loves and chews to her hearts content, only until Sarge is done with his and promptly steals Lucy’s from her childlike jaws. Big Bully….no pun intended.

Now we are onto Reindeer antlers. Yes. Pet Chef Express offers all natural dog food, and they come to the French Market in Wheaton every Saturday. We discovered that Reindeer Antlers are the everlasting gobstoppers of chewbones for dogs. They last a really, really long time. You have to soak them in warm water for about twenty minutes and then give them to your dog.

I felt compelled to write about this after I discovered this downstairs in our basement:

As you can see, she didn’t bother to attack the plastic Charmin overwrap. I’m picturing her delicately placing this big toilet paper package on her lap as she carefully opens up the corners of the plastic wrap with her little spike like puppy teeth, making sure to not rip into the pretty outer wrapping. This reminds me of going to baby showers where women delicately open up the giftwrap while you sit there for 5 hours watching them delicately open up giftwrap. Why? Why is this required? It’s wrapping paper, for christ sake. Rip into it, sister! Open up that package and discover the prize within. Please don’t let your guests suffer any longer than they have to by watching you ooh and aah at the wrapping paper. Anyway, I digress. Lucy won’t bother with the plastic, yet she respects the outer wrapping. Why? Perhaps that’s beneath her. Maybe she doesn’t like the taste or texture of plastic. This is akin to people who prefer to be vegetarians rather than carnivores because they don’t like the way meat tastes or feels against their teeth. She just wants the toilet paper.

Then, I ran into this after I got out of the shower:

A singular piece of paper which was in a trash can in our office was shredded and murdered; left to die on my steps.

Lucy lay nearby licking her chops with a piece of paper stuck to her nose, looking innocent and puppy like. She failed to clean up after herself leaving incriminating evidence behind.

Book ’em Dano.

Do not let this sweet, cute little puppy fool you. She’s out for blood. Paper product blood.

I didn’t think paper products were so threatening. But to puppies like Lucy, they taunt, bully, and pick on her so she has no alternative other than to rip the living daylights out of them. Does toilet paper scream? Do they have feelings? I think not. However, Lucy certainly feels that they are alive and mean her great harm.

When I would yell at her and tell her, “NO!” she pointed her paw toward her brother who was sound asleep on the couch.

LIAR! I say! She shook her head as if to say, “NO!”, in defiance and was positive that I was going to believe her tale. Realizing she was not to be believed, she laid down by my feet and looked up at me with her “I’m sorry I ripped your toilet paper to shreds mommy” look in her eyes.

All is forgiven. Until next time…..

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