Brownie Drop Out


For those of you, who weren’t in Girl Scouts, you don’t have to bother reading this post.

For those who were in Girl Scouts, keep reading.

So, I’m eight years old and my mom wants to put me in Brownies. Brownies is the first level of becoming a Girl Scout. The next level is Girl Scouts and then Cadets. Why it’s Cadets and not Cadet Scouts compared to Eagle Scouts for boys, I will never know, and actually think it’s kind of discriminating. You Girl Scout Representatives out there, take note of that remark.

Anyway, I digress.

At eight years old, overweight and having to wear a brown, tight, cotton uniform with a sash and beanie left me with a thought of, “WTF Mom?”  Why am I even doing this? It was so tight, the buttons were just about popping off my uniform. If they had, I would have had a secret weapon of pelting someone in the eye. I would be the Super Hero they would call, “The Button Popper.”  I felt like a brown sausage walking to my Brownie meeting every week.

My mom said, “Oh, you get to learn how to do all sorts of things and you gain badges for your accomplishments.”

Badges? That’s it? No cash? No ipod? No trophy? Who needs stinking badges? Give me my prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack Box….that would be better.

So in order to be a Brownie, you had to earn badges by sewing, or cooking, camping, baking, going to Somalia on a humanitarian trip, saving a drowning person off of Lake Michigan, learn Girl Scout gang signs…..whatever it took to get a stinking badge.

I would have none of it.

Sitting around a table with a group of girls glueing sequins onto cottonballs in order to make holiday magnets, or learning to crochet a bookmark just didn’t work for this eight year old little fat girl with a beanie perched on top of her head.

After six months I quit. I was a Brownie Drop Out.

My mom was completely disappointed in me. However, my sister went onto being a Cadet. The pivotal point in Girl Scout Kingdom – the equivalent to being an Eagle Scout. Was I ashamed? No. She had so many badges, that they were sewn on the front AND back of her sash. As for me, I maybe attained six. One of them was for pole dancing. Ok – ok…settle down. Brownies don’t have badges for Pole Dancing – it’s joke people.

I was proud of the fact that I stood firm in my convictions that I was not a true Brownie. First of all, the whole outfit thing just wasn’t working for me: the brown beanie, sash, cheap cotton one piece dress and  knee high brown socks were NOT the bomb. Unless we are talking Hiroshima.

Talk about a fashion faux pas. Who came up with that outfit anyway? I really hope that the Brownies of today wear something more fashionable and yet, versatile. I mean, aren’t Brownies and Girl Scouts supposed to be the out-doorsy type? If that were the case, you wouldn’t be sticking little girls with a one piece cotton dress with knee high socks in the middle of a fricking forest learning how to build a fire and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.

No.

I think today’s uniforms should be equipped with those Off! Repellent hooks for belts, and the dresses are GONE. Let’s talk capris! Leggings! Anything that can cover your legs from getting infested with any type of insect like creature.

Next, where is the survival kit? Brownies in my day didn’t have any of that stuff. If we got lost in the woods, I could guarantee you that one of my limbs would have been eaten by a wolverine or a deranged deer.

Today’s Brownies should be equipped with a survival belt. Think Bear Gryls. Think Survivor Man. What every Brownie should carry is a flashlight,  snickers bar, compass, matches and a .38 calibur handgun. Yes – a Snickers Bar. If I’m gonna get stuck in the woods and it may be my last meal, I want chocolate, peanuts and caramel!!!

So, besides having to sell those delicious Girl Scout Cookies, maybe they can sell survival stuff as well. Hey! come to think of it, if they make Girl Scout Cookies in pressurized packaging, they can make it like survival food…..Astronaut food…..MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) for the military. C’mon Girl Scouts! I just gave you a great idea! Who doesn’t like those Thin Mint Patties?

So, this leads me to a question to those few who read my blog: What group did you belong to when you were younger that you absolutely hated and why. Did you quit? Did you stick it out because you’d get your ass kicked by your parents? What?

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