I’ve Been Set Free From North Korea!


The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived – my townhome in my hellish North Korean Homeowner’s Association was closed upon today, and I paid money to get rid of it. Dave and I felt like the two American hikers who are awaiting freedom from Iran.

Yes, I paid money.

Why? Well, who the hell wants two mortgages? Also, your first offer is pretty much your best offer so we took it. But, I think I just wanted to get the hell away from the barbed wire, fascist, Kim Jung Il neighborhood before they started requiring all the residents to wear uniforms and do calisthentics every morning like synchronized swimmers.

I hate uniforms.It’s like working at Wendy’s. I don’t work at Wendy’s…I live in my townhome. I shouldn’t have to wear a uniform, or be forced to wear a plastic Esther Williams swim cap,  but it’s getting close to being that way.

Want to go to the swimming pool? Better make sure you have six forms of I.D. with you and a blood sample. Once you actually get into the gated area, you are led to the lifeguard who writes down your name and you are tagged. That’s right – tagged. You get a wrist band based on your “age” and can’t remove it until  you leave the swimming pool area.

Why? Because they are a Hellish North Korean Homeowners Association.

Want to plant some new bushes? Hold that thought. You need to fill out a landscaping form, provide pictures of the plants you want to get planted, and wait for the next association meeting the following month for approval. Now, the outside of the townhome is the responsibility of the HOA. However, if any of your plants die (which is outside of your townhome and the responsibility of the HOA), YOU need to replace it. Does this makes sense?

Of course not – IT’S NORTH KOREA.

You would also think that chimneys, also being a part of the outside structure, are also the responsibility of the HOA. Oh, contrare. No, no, no…..fixing these chimneys, which were built incorrectly to begin with, would cost the HOA too much money, so it’s the homeowner’s responsibility. How do I know? I just spent $5,000 replacing my entire chimney right before I put it up for sale. After  years of putting bandaids on it, I came to realize that these fireplaces were not built with enough heat tolerances between the heat box and the brick. This, of course, caused the brick and mortar to expand and my chimney was cracking all over the place. It would have never passed a home inspection.

The neighbors and homeowner board of directors spend more time taking military walks around the ‘hood looking for infractions like someone installing different garage door light fixtures which were different from everyone else’s. Oh, and by the way, if you want to be on the board of directors you need to be over age 65, have small yippy dogs, and covet a really bad attitude.

I hear they’re looking for money now since they refuse to allow renters in any of the units which are now all being sold as short sales and driving down the property values in the subdivision. So, they’ve decided to increase violation fees. Instead of $50 bucks for your first violation, they are doubling it to $100. Second violation is $150. Third violation you are bound and gagged and hung in the homeowner’s association board room. But, that’s not before they take out your kidney or some other viable organ they can sell for MORE money.

Do I like my picture being taken? Of course! But, do I like a picture of my yard being taken when I took it upon myself to totally re-seed it because the landscaping company they hired sucks? NO. But, the day AFTER I had it totally re-seeded, there was the property manager, taking pictures of my yard. They were just waiting to see it turn into a big, black pile of dirt so they can fine me. Didn’t happen.

They did get $250 bucks from me though – that was the last and final fine I had to pay to them. For what you ask? I left my for sale sign out on my lawn two hours past the time allotted. Yes, you see, in my North Korean Homeowner’s Association, you are allowed to have for sale signs in your window during the week. You are only allowed to have yard signs staked in your front yard from Friday, 6 pm to Sunday, 6 pm. We  had gone out to dinner and weren’t home until after 8 pm on Sunday. Boy, they showed me.

The only thing this homeowners association has managed to do is alienate, and drive down the collective property values. Their reasoning for not allowing renters is that renters don’t care for the properties like real homeowners do. Soooooooo, this would be better than having short sales, foreclosures and unoccupied properties? That’s North Korean reasoning for ya.

Dave and I feel like we’ve move from North Korea to Aruba. Wait. There’s too many hot chicks missing in Aruba……

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