This Just In……

I can’t believe my tax dollars go to grants to pay for research on things that are so painfully obvious –  it makes me think the government believes WE are complete idiots. Frankly, I don’t need a million dollar study to tell me half of this stuff, and I can’t really call it a “study”, but rather a “WTF” test. Here are some examples:

1. Songs About Sex Are Hot Sellers. I’m shocked. So, this million dollar study actually confirms the fact that the sexual overtones and innuendo in the lyrics and gyrational moves in music videos are bigger, HOTTER sellers than those of Liberace???? Thanks for the wake up call.

2. Tossing Oil In a Sewer is Bad for the Environment. So, I guess I can’t pull a Christmas Vacation RV situation and toss my extemities, oil or anything else in a sewer because it will probably pollute the water supply,  huh?

3. Cutting Your Hair Yourself, OR, Using a Flobee Does Not Guarantee You a Date. Yes, you heard it here. A homemade haircut or using a device to guarantee a salon style haircut will NOT get you a date, but rather women running in the opposite direction.

4. Wearing sweatpants up to your breasts can cause others to think you have a mental condition. If you’ve seen people wear sweatpants in this fashion and haven’t thought that they might be slightly “off”, you are lying to yourself. And, NO – you can’t use the excuse that it’s cold outside. Wear a damn coat!

5. Burning trash in your backyard contributes to air pollution. Now, that just gives pause to the “wow” factor, doesn’t it? I mean, if I was gonna burn dirty diapers in my backyard, I would probably get a few complaints from my neighbors as they walk up to me wearing gas masks and using sign language or hand puppets to tell me to PUT THE FIRE OUT!!!

6. Smoking Causes Lung Cancer. Let me ask you this question: How many people do you know were affected by lung cancer because they smoked or were the unlucky recipients of second hand smoke? Does this take a million dollar study to figure this out? Apparently so, per the government.

7. Driving Drunk Causes Car Accidents. Really Einstein? That’s like driving blindfolded. The same could be said about texting while driving.

8. Trying to mouth feed a bear results in loss of life or limbs/face. Yeah, Bears aren’t like Bambi or the nice elephants at the zoo. To bears, people ARE food.

9. Dancing naked drenched in kerosene around a campfire will cause third degree burns. Ya know, I’m a little surprised at this study. What happens if you’re dancing 20 feet away from the fire? Do you still get third degree burns, or only second degree burns?

10. Replying to emails in ALL CAPS will likely result in a heated reply to the recipient of the email. Since most of us are using email these days, please do all of us a favor and don’t reply or send a message in ALL CAPS. It’s insulting. It’s like yelling at the person to whom you sent the email to. It’s just BAD email etiquette.


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