You still have time. It’s only December 7th. However, from now until December 24th any mall, store, boutique, Target, and Wal-Mart you decide to meander into will be in disarray: People knocking you over, running their shopping carts over your foot (which you just had hang nail surgery on), that Patty the Potty Doll is out of stock for your 2 year old who absolutely NEEDS to have it, and you’ll encounter not friendly elves at the register, but mean, snarling, “I want to bite your face off”, elves who rip the money out of your hands, shove that beautiful cashmere sweater you spent your week’s pay on into a plastic bag.
Aaah. I love Christmas.
So, it is within the spirit of the holiday that Pegleg Web Designs provides you with our second annual shopping mall strategies in order for you to GET IN…..and GET OUT in rapid time.
Let’s start out with the parking problem. If you decide to shop at a big mall, you’ll be looking for a spot for a long time. And, an especially long time if the person who is driving insists on finding a spot that is next to a handicap slot. Let’s do a little analogy: By the time it would take you to find a spot next to a handicap parking space, you could walk the mile or so from the back of the parking lot, walk into the mall and make your first purchase without punching someone out. So, word to the wise – just take whatever spot you can find and be happy with it. Keep that holiday spirit!!!
So, you’ve managed to park your car and get your butt out of the car and walk into the mall. Now what? Do you have that list of the 20 or so people you need to buy for because your family refuses to have a grab bag?
This is where I digress – I LOVE MY FAMILY. We don’t exchange gifts. Nope. We give each other stocking stuffers – ya know, the funny quirky, “why the fuck did you give me this for?” gift. It’s fun and we drink and have appetizers. This year we’re having a martini contest…..I’m done digressing…..
If you don’t have a list, you’re screwed. Because the odds of you doubling up on a gift to someone, or leaving someone out entirely is about 90%. Why? Because you’re too distracted by the other stuff going on around you at the mall.
Let’s take for example the dress code for the people that walk past you. Does your mom know you left the house wearing that???? And, let’s not forget the “stoppers”. I like you and all, but I don’t necessarily want to smell your hair or your musky, slightly odory cologne when I bump you from behind because you’ve decided to just stop in front of me to either text someone, talk, er YELL at someone on the phone, or decide whether or not it’s a waste of your time to stop into Brookstone to try out that chair massager.
Who has gotten someone a chair massager for Christmas? I mean, the chair that actually “massages” you….the kind you sit in when you’re getting a pedicure. Anyone? Buehler? Any home I’ve walked into does NOT have one of these devices. I call them devices because they aren’t considered furniture to me because it requires a remote to work it.
In cases like these, I walk outside the perimeter of the people in the mall. If I stay close to the walls like a mouse chances of me getting shoved into or being stopped by someone are pretty slim.
Ok, so you managed to get your first few gifts after ramming thru the crowds of people and arm wrestling an 11 year old for that last XBox 360. Now, it’s time to get into line…..behind 30 other people. Did I mention the store is like, 85 degrees? And, you’re wearing a winter coat.
So, in situations like this I never EVER wear my winter coat when Christmas shopping. I wear shorts. Shorts and a T-shirt. I know what I’m getting myself into, and I’m prepared for the extremes in temperature – especially if I have to wait in line for an hour to purchase two items. But, the old lady who is in front of me isn’t. She’s sweating and just about ready to pass out.
After saving someone’s life you’re probably a little hungry. Great! Let’s eat! One of these restaurants in the mall would be good. But after checking three of them, the wait is 45 minutes to an hour. Can your tape worm stand to wait that long? I think not. However, you can still put your name on the list if you have a handy little snack in your pocket or purse. Wait – what am I thinking? Forget that! Head for the bar! Most people like to sit at a table and eat. Not me! Belly up to the bar and hand me a menu. I’m not picky. The menu at the bar is the same at a table and I’m not waiting!!!
Oh, and for those who want to take the little ones to visit Santa, I can only recommend you go as early as possible so Santa isn’t pee’d upon and is still ho-ho-ho’ing and in a good mood.