1. Rush Limbaugh. After he called that woman a slut, I hate him even more. Then, the idiot apologizes (which was probably written by his attorneys), only after five of his radio sponsors pulled out from under him. I think he got contraception mixed up with his Viagra pills.
2. When you yawn, and someone thinks it’s cute to put their finger in your mouth. If I wasn’t in mid yawn, I’d bite down on your finger which would cause you to get special gloves for only four digits, not five.
3. People who whistle when they don’t know they’re whistling. This reminds me of a nervous tick, or someone who bites their nails to the point of not having any nails. You’ve seen them, right? Those poor nails are down to what looks like pencil erasers. Even though I’m hard of hearing the whistling is the pitch of a dog whistle. It makes me want to run to you, knock you over and bite your neck.
4. Politicians. All of them. Can we just start over with re-enacting the signing of the Constitution and go from there?
5. People who can’t make up their minds when they’re over 40. Really? Does it take you three hours to pick out what to wear each morning or do you just walk around the house naked because you couldn’t decide between that cozy burlap shirt or lumpy tweed dress? Don’t ever invite me to dinner – that would be an all-nighter.
6. When I hear someone say, “I need this right away!!!!!!!” and then you don’t hear from them for months. So, I guess that means whenever you decide to get back to me saying you need it right away again, I can take my time in getting back to you for months as well – that’s how it works, right? No? Well, screw you, then.
7. Jamming my little toe on the corner of a wall, door, chair or something sharp. This may cause another injury since I refuse to stop whatever I’m doing when this happens (rub some dirt on it), like crushing my finger in between two heavy pans which then causes me to lose my fingernail. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to have phelanges……
9. Dirty eyeglasses. Whenever I see this on people, it makes me want to just take them off their face and clean them with windex. how can people see thru all the greasy fingerprints they’ve left on them after eating at KFC?
10. Any Olive Garden commercial. All of their food looks exactly the same. This goes for Red Lobster as well. They are all the same dish using the exact same ingredients only disguised six different ways. We aren’t that gullible, people.
11. Do you honestly think that Subway’s sandwiches in the commercial are the exact same looking Subway sandwiches you receive when you visit their establishment? If you do, I hate stupid people. That means you.
12. People who say that taking a cruise for a vacation is the “only” way to go. Yeah – if you want to die of food poisoning.
13. Since Easter is coming up, this one is appropriate: Fannie Mae candies. The assortment box. If you are one of those people who picks out one of the candies, takes a bite out of the corner to determine what type it is, don’t like it, and put it back, I will take that piece of candy you bit into and shove it someplace you won’t like. Consider it a laxative.
14. Dogs who drop their toys at your feet or on your lap and “expect” you to play with them on command. Who’s the master here, huh? I’ve just sat down with a drink in my hand, and the games commence. I play out of guilt. I play because I can’t stand to see their pitiful faces looking at me like they’ve been dying to play all day and have been patiently waiting for me. I HATE that. But, I love them.
15. When I’m out of vodka. Enough said.
16. People who are at any store with more than six kids in tow. I will secretly place condoms in your grocery cart. Don’t go all “Duggar” on me.
17. When someone sees you with your eyes closed, it quite possibly means you’re sleeping. However, they ask you, “Are you sleeping?” WTF? No, I’m not. I’m pretending to sleep in order to practice for a ninja to secretly come up on me thinking that I’m asleep when I’m really not so I can kick his ass. You just never know when a ninja will appear……