It’s that time again. I’m on a rampage and for what, I have no clue. Maybe I don’t like the weather today; it’s kinda crappy outside. Maybe I’m pissed that I’ve replaced wine corks for garden markers with the old standard plastic labels that come from the nursery and my dog STILL takes them out of the garden.
This leads me to THINGS I HATE:
1. Dogs that take garden markers out of my garden. Ok, how am I supposed to know where I planted what? If I planted by seed, I’m in big trouble. Plants are easy to identify, but seeds? You can’t even see them until they pop up, and even then I’m clueless. STUPID DOG.
2. Number 1 leads into a not so pleasant number two of things I hate. When dogs eat things they shouldn’t, it’s the responsiblity of the owner to make sure it comes out the “other end” if ya know what I’m saying. It’s kinda like corn for humans. This is where my husband comes in and says, “So, did you see any cork in Lucy’s poop?” This is where my sarcasm kicks in (shocker)….”Why Yes! honey, I did. I dissected every single piece of shit out on the lawn with tweezers since I have nothing better to do with my time and found 20 small pieces of cork. Shall we put them back together to make one big cork……So I can shove it up your ass???”
3. When you’re at the counter of a department store checking out and some lady walks up to the cashier who is helping you and asks a question, which distracts her from ringing up my purchase. Hello? Who was here first? Get in the back of the line, bitch and wait your turn.
4. When people help old people at the grocery store, and then you see that same old person who is perfectly capable of putting their grocery cart back into the “cart corral” as they are affectionately called here in a midwest parking lot, NOT do this. They look at you with this smile on their face like, “I’m just gonna put it here right next to this nice, white porsche. It won’t move…I promise,” As winds are gusting at 30 m.p.h. I put his fricking cart away and when he drove past, I yelled at him “Hey! I put your damn cart back for ya!”
5. What the hell is YOLO and why does everyone keep using it on Facebook? Can we talk like normal people? What is this? Ebonics for White people??
6. Speaking of talking like normal people…..Don’t get a job handling customers thru the drive thru speaker at a Wendy’s if you don’t speak clear English. First of all, hearing thru the speaker is bad enough even if you have the most articulate speech. Hiring someone from Bangladesh who speaks broken English and takes your order thru the drive thru is the best damn decision a manager can make…..said no one EVER.
8. Speaking of Pinterest….I see these braided hairstyles all over the place. They’re super pretty. And, I’m pretty darn sure that I’ll have super sore arms, or end up on the floor from trying one of these braids out on my own hair. Who has time for this? I can’t even blow dry my own hair without pulling a muscle.
9. iphone autocorrect doesn’t work too well on my phone, and Siri thinks I swear too much. Fuck you, iphone.
10. You’re the only person in the restaurant and you wait 20 minutes for a drink. Ok – I know you’re not super busy right now, and you’re well aware that I AM sitting here and that it doesn’t take a normal person with a standard IQ to figure out what the hell they want to drink for twenty minutes so……………….WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM? We aren’t in France or Rome where they have three damn hours for lunch! Let’s get a move on, will ya!!!!????
11. Ballerina shoes. These don’t look comfortable to me. And if I recall, the words, “ballerina shoes”, are strictly used for ballerinas. How many ballerinas are out there in world? I saw what looked like a 300 pound ballerina yesterday because she was wearing ballerina shoes. Do ballerina shoes make you look like a fricking ballerina? I don’t think so.
12. When people on Facebook reach waaaaay too far to search for stuff against another political party. I mean, do you really have that much time on your hands that you can sift thru the THOUSANDS of links that may or may not be reputable? People like that make me think they’re like………crazed. Postal. I’m thinking you’re a “Ted Kazynski.” So, if I think that way, I’m sure others do too, so stop it, Ted.
13. Baseball vs. Football. I think baseball players have too much time on their hands….as well as body parts. They’re constantly adjusting their hats, gloves, helmets, groin area…not to mention the fact that they are constantly spitting and chewing shit. Football players do none of that. They get out on the field and do the job which is PLAYING THE DAMN GAME.
14. I hate when people say, “I know, right?” After someone says, “Did you see that guy just run over that bunny?! I can’t believe it!” So, when I go skydiving in a few months, I’m gonna say, “Hey! I just went skydiving and it was totally awesome!” If someone says, “I know, right? I went a few months ago,” I’m gonna hunt you down and kick your ass.
15. Don’t pretend to like me. I won’t pretend to like you. My face would hurt too much from pretending to like you.
16. I really hate screaming in my sleep. Sometimes I wake myself up. I’m either dreaming of having my sister sell off a king size mattress (which I purchased exclusively for a cruise)on a cruise ship to 26 women. I demanded my money from every single person before we got off the plane. My last words were a resounding, “F*CK YOU!!!” I woke myself up. Why I would buy a king size matteress for a cruise ship, I’ll never know. And, honestly….I have never even been on a cruise ship for fear of getting food poisoning, and I hear the rooms are pretty small, so what’s with the King Size Mattress?????
The other dream that I vividly remember was when I caught my husband cheating on me with an asian chick in a very exclusive hotel. He told me to go to room 105, and then ran ahead of me. Trying the find the room in this hotel was like roaming thru a Dr. Seuss book. I finally found him screwing this chick and yelled at the top of my lungs, “I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!”
It’s weird that I dream about these things… I KNOW, RIGHT???