Squirrels and Dogs Sittin’ in a Tree…..


As all you Midwesterners are aware, it’s fall. The season of cooler temperatures, changing of the leaves, more frequent campfires (which equates to more wine around the campfires), and of course squirrels ramping up to hunker down for the winter.

When I mean, “ramping up,” I mean they’re chow hounds. The fatter I see them, the more I interpret that fat squirrel to be a big bully to the leaner squirrels in the ‘hood.

“Squirreling” away nuts and the like is not an easy task on my little plot of land since my three German Shepherds don’t get along with squirrels. I would guess the primary reason is because they can never catch one, shake their heads with wild abandon to deaden the sucker, and then bring it to the back door as a present for mommy.

It kills my dogs…I mean literally KILLS them when they see a squirrel run up a tree and they can’t do anything about it. Knowing how smart my dogs are, they are wishing at that precise moment that they have the innate ability to crawl up trees and snatch a squirrel in their huge jaws.

Alas, it is not to be. Unless they have a cape. Or a Batman utility belt, then they could totally go ape-shit on them.

Don’t think for a minute that the victim in this scenario is the squirrel. No, no, no. As I have seen first hand, the squirrels in my ‘hood are well aware of my dogs. So much so, that when they climb up that tree and see the dogs barking below, the squirrel will dig it’s claws into the bark of the tree looking down toward the dogs and start mouthing off in the screech like manner that squirrels do.

The squirrels are taunting my dogs. I can hear them chippering away saying things like, “You ain’t all that!” “You’re so slow, that the “Chariots of Fire” theme song plays when you walk!” “You’re so slow, you got stranded in a grocery store and died of starvation….In the DOG FOOD AISLE!”

Squirrels in my ‘hood are bullies. That’s a fact, Jack. Would I shoot them? No. I’m not an animal killer. Would I poison them to make it look like an unfortunate accident? No. I can’t do that because I would have to live with my actions for the rest of my life knowing that the Squirrel family was waiting for their dad to come home after he said he was going out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.

I couldn’t live with that. His wife might be a little pissed though.


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