I never make resolutions. It’s not because I can’t keep them, but because I can never remember them. However, this year has been different for me. With several events that affected not only me but my family and our nation (one God, indivisible and justice for all…..Play ball!), I decided to make a list:
1. I resolve to not run over any black walnuts in my yard while mowing the lawn so they can give me a black eye. Instead, I’ll wear clear, big, bulky goggles and a helmet to protect myself from the dangerous perils that lurk behind and underneath my blades of grass and chunks of mud in my backyard.
2. I resolve to not swear.
3. I resolve to rescind resolution #2.
4. I will resolve that I will not have another Starbucks Green Tea Latte for as long as I live.
6. I resolve that I will not go apeshit on my dogs when they want to jump on me when I get home. This includes after only being gone two minutes from walking down the driveway to get the trash cans.
7. I resolve to get a flu shot, so that I don’t have to continually cough up little green and brown people from my lungs. Sorry folks, but they were THAT big.
8. I resolve that if my son asks me for more money than what he’s supposed to receive on a monthly basis that I will shave my head. When he asks me for money again and my hair has not grown back, I will start to shave the dogs. One. By. One. My son will be next (he has a lot of hair….ALOT of hair).
9. I resolve that I will actually finish a book. Ya see, I always get a book because I have a “break.” This term means that my business is slow and I can afford the luxury of catching up on some reading. Learn a few good words like phalanges, neophytes, and alacrity. Teach myself a few tricks. I mean, not like fetch or balance a cookie on my nose, but hone my craft and check up on the newest Photoshop skills, Dreamweaver code, etc. But, as soon as I sit down and open that book, shit hits the fan.
10. I resolve to have a better memory. Ya know, start doing all that old people stuff to improve my memory like crossword puzzles and connect the dots. Stuff that can hold my attention span for about ten minutes.
11. I went skydiving twice this past year and I mud wrestled. So, this coming year I resolve to not do those things again and try something new: Write a book. Didn’t see me skydive? Here’s a recap. And, yes I’m well aware of my flesh coming off my bones. If you were free falling at 130 m.p.h. your flesh would do the same thing!