I know. I’m weird.
It’s not a mistake, really. I’ve been called, “Weird, unique, strange, quirky…” whatever.
As my husband, my stepson, Nick, and I were having lunch today, we started talking about cremation. How we even got on the topic, I really don’t remember. It was two drinks ago – don’t test me.
Nick, I have to admit, is the brain-child out of the three children Dave and I share. Dave and I unanimously named him “Executor of our Dispersion of Ashes.”
If my blog followers may recall, I had written an article about this many moons ago. Dave and I want our ashes to be spread across the Pacific ocean precisely where we were married on a cliff in Maui back in 2007.
As you can imagine, the Pacific winds could be problematic if my two step children and my son were to just randomly toss our ashes from the cliff. It could literally come back and hit them on the face.
Not to be gross here, but who wants mom and dad’s ashes on their faces?
My sister and I followed my parents’ wishes as they wanted their ashes to be buried underneath their anniversary tree on the Medinah Country Club golf course. As I held my father’s cedar box in my hands, I had a gardener’s shovel and gloves. We approached the tree with their plaque on it, and I immediately started to dig.
I didn’t use my gloves. I wanted to be close to my dad. I buried his ashes in the soil, as my sister did the same for my mother a year later. The ashes stick to your hands, just like chalk.
So, when we started to talking to Nick about being the Executor of our Dispersion of Ashes, he came up with some really great ideas. We only had one caveat: Make it fun. Make it memorable, and make it funny. That’s how we are, and that’s what we would want.
I looked Nick in the eye and said, “We’ll be watching you.”
So, without further delay, my step-son, Nick, is going to give his very creative ideas on how to disperse our ashes in Maui:
- Now that I have free reign over the content of this article, I assume creative liberty with the subject matter. So I really ought to make this good. As Executor of the Dispersion of Ashes, I’ve been tasked with getting rid of their ashes in a fun, creative way, which would be up to me. And, mind you, they will be watching me. Or at least my father will…he wants googly-eyes on his urn.
- Idea #1: Perhaps the most basic idea, this one was partly inspired by the movie, “Top Secret”, in which there is a scene and song about Skeet Surfing (surfing with a shotgun and shooting clay pigeons launched from shore). In a similar fashion, I would be either on the top of the cliff or down below surfing, and my brother or step-brother would launch the urns of my parents overhead, at which point I would blow them away with a well-placed shot. Fun, quirky, and involves gunpowder. What else is there to desire?
- Idea #2: As the first idea may still result in ashes flying any-which way, this one may be a suitable alternative. Additionally, Nancy doesn’t want to be anywhere near the shoreline. In this scenario, I would create a sort of potato cannon (my brother and step-brother most likely have no idea how a cannon even works, so I’d have to do it), and launch the urns from the top of the cliff towards the ocean. Ideally, I could devise a sort of air-burst round that would detonate the urns some 500 ft offshore. This one sounds fun because I get to make a cannon.
- Idea #3: This one is probably the laziest of all, though enjoyable. It involves playing catch on the top of the cliff with the urns and ‘accidentally’ dropping them into the ocean. Personally, I think the disposal could be more theatrical than this.
- Idea #4: This I consider to be my grand scheme. It involves acquiring a small wooden rowboat and inviting a few friends out for a short cruise, with the intent of burying the ashes at sea in a typical fashion. Ideally, I could also tell my brother and step-brother this so they would be clueless to the plan. Before anyone arrived, I would rig the rowboat with some small, theatrical explosives and a device to start a fire. When we set out, I would make everyone wear a life jacket, and about 100 ft from shore I would trigger the fire starting device, starting a small blaze in the boat, but big enough to warrant everyone to abandon the boat. We would all jump ship, and the boat would continue to burn, until I triggered the explosives. At this point I would play it off as if I was, “devastated” that I wasn’t able to bury them at sea like they wished, and everyone would believe the same. At some point afterwards I would reveal my scheme to everyone. Or not. Maybe I’d just keep it a secret.
Keep in mind that all of these ideas were hatched in one sitting while we were having lunch at our local pub and grill. I may end up using one of these methods in the end. Then again, maybe not, since they already know what I would do. Hopefully I don’t have to decide for a long while. But when I do have to do it, it will be spectacular.
Thanks Nick! So, which one would you prefer, readers????