Company Christmas Parties and a Time Honored Tradition

As far as holiday parties go, the company Christmas party is a party that one must attend. Why? For starters, you’ll get the stink eye from your boss, your co-workers will be asking you the endless question of, “Where were you??,” and most importantly, you’ll miss out on who will be wearing the time honored tradition that no one wants, but someone will ultimately receive: The coveted lampshade.

A lot of people like to avoid company holiday parties because they don’t know how to co-exist among others, strike up a conversation, or how to avoid the man or woman that is always creeping into your cube that you really don’t have the time or desire to deal with at the moment. If you don’t want to have a conversation with this person in your cube, you certainly aren’t going to want to have a conversation with this person at a company Christmas party. Avoidance 101: Tell him to fuck off. OK – perhaps that’s a bit vile. I’m fine with that terminology. Use it. You have my permission. The other problem people have is what to wear: Sexy thigh highs, plain nude hose, no hose? the choices appear to be an endless sea of lingerie. And, of course, when liquor is involved at a company party, people often find themselves in the throes of either being unusually friendly or become the victim of somebody who is rarely friendly who becomes a loquacious liquored up man and/or woman whom you can’t make a quick exit for freedom.

lampshadeThis is where the time honored tradition infiltrates the crowd and makes a magnificent entrance.

I’ve been reading that more companies are planning on serving alcohol at their holiday parties this year. I guess they figured with the hard economic times we’ve all been struggling through, they should let their loyal employees have the opportunity to do something brilliantly stupid and have it later seen on YouTube so it can go viral. Now, that my friends, is P.R. in its unrivaled hour.

In order of holiday appropriateness, I thought I would provide a tidy office agenda of what not to do at  your company Christmas party so you can still go to work the next day with your head held high rather than schlepping the cubicle walk of shame.

I’ve only had,  like two If you want to ruin your reputation at work, getting soused at the holiday party is certainly one of the most ingenious moves an idiot can make. People tend to overindulge and not keep track of what they’re drinking or how many cocktails they are belting down their gullet; they end up hanging onto one of your co-workers (or you) like a bad, oversized Christmas sweater. Worse yet, they are twerking your bosses wife, or husband.

Here’s the deal: You can get fired for doing stupid crap at a holiday party because you couldn’t hold your liquor; you can’t really blame the booze for the evidence left behind because truth be told – you are an adult. Therefore, if you want to drink at a company Christmas party, it’s cool – just keep it to one or two Manhattan’s and then stop. Step away from the bar.

How to stop you ask? keep your hands full. And, I don’t mean with other stuff that will get  you fired, if you know what I mean. Appetizers in one hand and a Diet Coke in another is not a bad idea for starters. Otherwise, network with people you’ve wanted to meet during work hours, but just haven’t had the time. If you want to make a good impression with someone in a different department, blurting out, “Nice rack!” while you stumble into her after three gin and tonics is sure to turn a possible gateway to a promotion into a definite gateway to hell.

Don’t overdress. If you were choosing between fishnet stocking and black tights, and chose the fishnet stockings, you arexmasstoryleglamp definitely going down the wrong path, sister. Nothing screams, “Let’s pole dance!” like fishnet stockings and a short, tight skirt. This isn’t Halloween. That was awhile ago when you wore those same fishnet stockings to be a pole dancer. It’s now Christmas party time – the season of good will toward men. Don’t take that literally. The other matter of contention is wearing the crown jewels of Europe. Other than being honored at the Kennedy Center, leave the over-sized bling at home. Wear non-revealing clothes with minimal jewelry. You don’t have to look like a bookworm, but don’t look like Barbie’s version of a hooker either.

“So, I hear you’re pregnant,” as you’re looking at your seven months pregnant co-worker. Really? Do we need to get personal on stuff that is completely obvious to the naked eye? “Hey, do you know of a good orthopedic guy who can remove a hang nail from my big toe? Wanna see it??” You get my point.

Don’t complain about your job or the place where you work. They are throwing this party for you and have given you a job that puts food on your table. don’t blow it by saying something that will get back to your management.

Christmas parties can be a lot of fun, or a big downer depending on how you approach it, as well as how you leave it. Most people don’t want to be the winner of wearing that time honored tradition of the lampshade – unless you really like wearing lampshades.


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