A Break-Up Letter To The CDC

Dear CDC:

I’m sorry I haven’t returned your calls. I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day and I honestly need to say that I feel differently about you now. It’s me. Not you, really. I think it’s best if we part ways because we have different beliefs.

I don’t mean to, “Bring up the past,” so to speak, because that’s not what we should be doing during the break-up process.wineglass Well…yeah. It is.

Let me quote something you recently said to all of your friends.

“The CDC defines heavy drinking as 15 or more drinks a week for men and eight or more drinks a week for women. Many of these heavy drinkers aren’t alcoholics, but even those who drink less than that per week might be in the health danger zone if they consume too much alcohol in a day: five or more drinks for men, four or more for women….

A drink is five ounces of wine; 12 ounces of beer and no more than 1.5 ounces of 80 proof liquor a day. The CDC recommends no more than two drinks a day for men and no more than one drink a day for women” 

This is why I need to part ways with you. I think you can fully realize the fact that I drink 1 – 2 glasses of alcohol a day. At dinners, you and I would have a glass or two of wine, or I might order a mixed drink. What you are now telling me is that I can drink the equivalent of a wine tasting sample and then it’s finito.

I thought you were teasing me at first with your witty humor and sarcasm. Then I thought to myself, He’s considering me a binge drinker.


I’m shocked and mortified you would think of me this way. I thought we were friends! I must say that your allowance of alcoholic consumption per day for a woman is minuscule. We get one beggarily drink a day and it can only be 5 ounces? What is this, Prohibition? I also can’t get over the fact that you allow more drinks for men. I thought you believed in equality. If you want to cite your reason as height and weight, let me just remind you that I happen to know a few guys that are the height of my waistline whose bones can be crushed with my hugs.

It was nice while it lasted, CDC. I’m going to continue consuming my 1 – 2 glasses of wine per day and take a gamble that I’m not on the precipice of becoming an alcoholic. I’ve packed your bags and they are by the front door: Syringes, vials, pregnancy kits, and a tube of wine, which ironically, is the amount of alcohol I’m allowed to consume per day.


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