I don’t understand Mid-westerner’s and I’m a Midwestern.
Born in Chicago and growing up in the suburbs, a Midwestern girl understands one very important thing: There are four seasons in the Midwest; the worst being winter.
We all look forward to it on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Bring on the snow! Woo hoo! Sleigh rides, snowball fights, sledding — Oh, tis the season!
Then December 26th happens. December 26th is now known as “National Hate Winter Day.” Your jolly-ness has disintegrated like a snowball in hell. Your mindset went straight from, “Sleigh Ride,” to “Mele Kalikimaka,” from Being Crosby:
I don’t get you guys. I mean, it’s only February. We’re supposed to get snow in February. Suck it up, Buttercup! Your short term memory stinks, because if you remember last year and the year before that our winters didn’t end until April.
Swimsuit weather in the Midwest doesn’t normally occur until June. Sometimes end of May if we’re lucky. But, as a Midwesterner should know, all Memorial Day weekends usually suck when it comes to weather; It’s typically rainy and in the 50’s.
If you have a direct line to God and are able to have a little sit down with him with regard to our most discontented winter, then I believe we are all shit out of luck, or as some Royals would like to say, “We are not amused.”
From now until at least the end of April, we will have to endure more snowstorms, wind squalls, sleet and freezing rain pelting your face as you try to cross the Chicago river on your way to work. Shall I discuss the driving conditions when it snows? I can hear your moaning and groaning from here.
I suppose the parents reading this aren’t too thrilled at the prospect of having to bundle up your child every morning to take them to school:
Perhaps a t-shirt and shorts with sandals sounds more appealing right now.
Let us not forget the beautiful landscape surrounding you: Typical gray skies, barren trees, and the once pristine, white and peaceful snow that you watched tumbling down from your living room window, is now gray icing on the side of the road.
By my clock, today is February 1, 2014. Look on the bright side – we only have two more months of winter. So after you’ve shoveled your driveway for the tenth time this week, just think that in about sixty days, hopefully less, you can trade in your shovel for a lawn mower.