Yesterday was the official last day of the Olympics.
Did I hear cheering in the background?
It started out pleasant enough. Aside from the failing fifth snowflake morphing into an Olympic ring, I thought the opening ceremonies were nicely done. I wasn’t too thrilled with the floating balloons in the shape of the Russian Orthodox Church — it didn’t seem, at least to me, a proper homage to one of Russia’s most famous landmarks. On the other hand, giant balloons in the shape of vodka bottles is more up my alley. Lest we not forget one of the three Sochi mascots — A Polar Bear. He got his head stuck in a car. There’s a joke there somewhere…
“Bear with me while I try to get my head out of this car.”
“It was a grizzly scene — I hope he was able to claw his way out.”
I think I’ve seen enough skiing (Alpine, Cross-Country, Freestyle, Nordic Combined, Ski Jumping), to last another four years until the next Olympics. I was fascinated by the Curling event. It was one event that provided full concentration; people weren’t out of breath when they completed their turn. The outfits were stunning as usual — thank you, Norway.
And, I won’t disappoint you. There were a couple of observations that I just didn’t understand. Why do the guys in the Bobsled event clap, hit, pat, and punch each other as well as the sled they climb into before they push off into that tiny, ice-filled tunnel from hell? If I were at the starting line at the Olympics as a Bobsledder, my team mate wouldn’t have to get my attention in this sort of fashion — I mean, it’s the Olympics, for Christ sake. I’m certainly not going to be standing there looking up into the sky pondering, “Why am I here?” or filing my nails. You have my undivided attention, dude. Really. I’m ready for this — four years in the making.
I was also curious if an ice skate blade would hurt if it were piercing one’s thigh. As I was watching the Ice Dancing event, some of the women would place one of their ice skates on top of their male partner’s thigh. Don’t ice skate blades need to be really sharp? I worry about the guy gushing blood from his thigh halfway through the performance. I wondered if they would receive extra points for pain and suffering. Speaking of ice skating, who designs the outfits? Most of them were absolutely beautiful. I, for one, wouldn’t be caught dead in one of them because 1) I am not an ice skater, and 2) I would be worried about getting my panties in a bunch during a triple toe loop or a quadruple salchow — neither of which I can perform because, again, I am not an ice skater.
The ice skaters were all beautiful, but I had a problem with Meryl Davis and her eyes. They seemed like they are on the sides of her head. If she had one of those floating eyes, it would require literal jumps from left to right on someone’s part to determine if she were really looking at you.
I was so upset about the US women’s hockey team losing to Canada that I had tears in my eyes watching them get tears in their eyes after their overtime loss. They were ahead by two goals with three minutes left in regulation. It appeared surreal at first, but when they went into overtime, Canada had the momentum behind them to win it, and they did. I was hoping the men’s U.S. hockey team would avenge by winning a gold medal, but they got knocked out of competition the very next day. However, they did oust Russia with a heart-stopping win that took a five minute overtime period and eight rounds of a shootout to settle. Can you say, “I saw Oshie in Sochi” three times fast?
Oh, Canada…… I have nothing against Canadians. I love Canada. They helped us with the Iranian hostage crisis and have always been one of the United States closest allies. I was just super pissed at them for a split second after the women’s hockey team lost. I’m back loving you again and congratulations. I’m also happy that the Canadian men’s hockey team won a gold medal only because four of my beloved Chicago Blackhawk players were on the team.
The one event I don’t get is the biathlon. These people ski with guns on their backs. I don’t look at this as a safe event — at least for me. I don’t know how to ski. Falling on my back would be the first place I’d land. This would more than likely set off the gun and shooting me in the back. Just give me a beach on Maui’s north shore with a good book and a cocktail. Is there a sporting event for that? There should be!
A bright spot that I really thought was wonderful to see was people adopting animals from a pet shelter in Sochi. I hope all those animals end up in loving arms of thoughtful owners throughout the world.
The other events I would have liked to see at the Olympics but were not on the schedule were:
Ice Slipping – This would require regular shoes, and some sort of cushion on your rear end to protect your tailbone. Whoever falls and contributes the largest crack in the ice, or provides a great visual showing pain (i.e. pool of blood, facial expressions, sound of bones cracking), should be awarded a medal. Extra points if you have rambunctious dogs with you that can’t differentiate between the words, “walk” and “go get it!”
Snowball Throwing – I’m shocked this was not on the event schedule. It’s a no-brainer — all you would have to do is throw a snowball as far as you can. It would be the equivalent of ski jumping.
Snow Shoveling – I could totally win at this event. Snow-blowers will get you disqualified and would be the equivalent of doping. Everyone gets their own driveway; they are all the same length. Whoever finishes shoveling their driveway first wins a medal. This requires skill though — no sloppy shoveling, and you must also clear the very bottom of the driveway where a snow plow can come through at any given time during the event to pile an extra three feet of the white stuff toward the end of your shovel-run. The upside? Cool uniforms.
Snow Driving – An obstacle course for vehicles. The athlete must maneuver through bright orange cones on a slippery white slope of hardened snow while not running over or hitting obstacles along the way. These could be people, buildings, baby carriages, hot dog stands, or a fire hydrant. Someone from Chicago could very well take the gold in this event.
And now, I return you to your regularly scheduled programming.