Turning Fifty


Why is the number so large and un-embraceable for me? I’m a type A person and am normally “gung-ho” about anything. But this…this whole turning fifty thing gives you some perspective on where you are in your life. The number almost requires you to hand in a mental report card to God. You are required to tell him what is working in your life as well as what you can improve upon.  I mean, let’s face it: you are halfway to 100.

Jesus. if I EVER live to be 100, I’ll commit suicide first. Who their right mind would want to live that long? When it gets to the point I need someone to turn  me over so I don’t get bed sores, I want out.

I will have none of that tomfoolery.

My newly defined wrinkles are my battle scars in life. They characterize who I am. Each wrinkle we have should tell a unique story about how you came into the person you are. Oh, the stories they would tell!

What about my hair? I think I’m on my hair dresser’s speed dial; our relationship has become that intimate. I’m pauliewalnutsher regular visitor every five weeks because my roots mandate it. When I start to look like Paulie Walnuts from “The Soprano’s,” it’s time for a dye job.

I asked her, “When do most women decide to not dye their hair anymore? I mean, I don’t want to be like those really old ladies who still have jet black hair. When does a woman decide to just let it go?

“Oh, everybody is different.”

That answer didn’t help me.

Is there a manual that comes with turning fifty? What are appropriate shades of lipstick to wear? Some style magazines say that the darker the shade on an older person, the older they look because the dark color emphasizes the wrinkles around their mouth.

Wow. Okay. I don’t have wrinkles around my mouth…yet.

Even though I stretch all the time, I still wake up in the morning feeling what equates to a tightly wound ball of string which has been surgically implanted in my back.

I was on first base and just slid into the second base of life in the blink of an eye. My pants are dirty, but my cleats are clean. Would I change anything I’ve done so far?

keep-calm-i-m-turning-fiftyThat answer would be a big fat, “Hell, yes.”

But for all the mistakes you make in life, there are blessings that come from it. Those blessings come in all different sizes, shapes and forms.

I can finally say that I’m a grown-up. I’ve evolved into a much more patient person. I have also learned what bullshit sounds and looks like. I also have the desire to live a much simpler life.

Simple can mean different things: straightforward, clean, unembellished. I eat clean, I’m straightforward with people, and I don’t embellish my home with things that just need to be dusted. I’m the one who dusts everything and it takes a long time to clean this house!

Lastly, I’ve determined that, to quote Hamlet: “This above all: to thine own-self be true”. 

Stay true to yourself and what you believe in your heart and your gut. Then go for it.

To all of my friends who are turning fifty this year, I hope you enjoy your golden anniversary. They say fifty is just a number. Fifty is the new thirty. Fifty is the best time of your life.

I say fifty is the time for positive changes that will make the second half of your life even better than your first.





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