The Comb Over vs. Being Bald

American Hustle gave me a childhood flashback.

Back in the 1970’s being bald was not in fashion as it is today. My dad, who sported a black haired comb over, would use what I called, “the lint brush.” He would hold this plastic thing with small rubbery teeth, sweeping his hair from one side of his comb over brushshiny head over to the other.

At twelve years old I didn’t understand the concept. I mean, why bother? There are only a few strands of hair sitting on the top of your head. If you’re attempting to cover that huge bald spot, your strategy needs a complete makeover.

You are not a magician. Baldness doesn’t disappear.

Hair disappears.

Where it goes, nobody knows. I’m guessing the drain. But, with the length of some of those comb over hairs, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of those got slammed in a car door and just ripped out of one’s scalp.

Our family finally convinced my dad to just shave off his tender follicles–all of it. Since we already knew the shape of his head due to what little hair he had left, we could easily figure out that he would look pretty good bare-skinned.

egg shaped bald headNote to those considering going bald: If you have an egg shaped head, do not attempt. You will definitely look like Dan Ackroyd’s Conehead. Yes, it’s a slight exaggeration, but it’s not too far from the truth.

Dad’s head shaving actually made him look younger. It also made him look intimidating. Ask any of the boys who used to come over to date my sister and me. None of them liked to come over to our house because they were afraid of my dad. My mom, on the other hand, always wanted to feed them. My dad just wanted them out of the house.

I think the best part of being bald is that you don’t have to pay for any salon services. Shampoo, conditioner, hair products; they aren’t required any longer. All you need is an electric shaver. I mean, you have the shaver out to take care of the stubble growing on your face, so why not move the shaver up above the eyebrows and “mow the lawn,” so to speak?

Sinead O’Connor had a good thing going–she saved herself a lot of money by choosing baldness over locks. Although, I don’t think she would look good in a comb over. Frankly, no woman would look good in a comb over.

If you approach the land of the comb over or you start looking like Eddie Munster sporting a receding eddiemunsterhair line, think about going bald if your head has the shape for it. I’m not claiming to be an expert on hairstyles for men, but I am a woman. Look in the mirror for a reality check and think about clipping those seven strands of hair you faithfully comb, tease, or swirl around your head to cover up the bald spot which is obvious to everyone else but you.

If the comb over isn’t working for you, I’ve seen men who have done hair plugs, toupee’s, dyed hair on their own altering it a bright construction orange like Donald Trump, and used Ron Popeil’s spray paint for the balding head, covering it in a rich, frothy goo. All of these options had disastrous results (at least with the people I’ve witnessed). You can’t make hair plugs go away. They’re like tattoos–forever plugged into your head for all to see. If they don’t grow, all you will have is a head that now looks like a golf ball with dark dimples sprouting little tufts of hair.

That certainly is a pleasant visual said no one ever.

From women out there to men who have a comb over our message is simple: Ban the comb over and go barren on top (except if you have an egg shaped head). Toupee’s can be an alternative, but for the love of God, please purchase a good toupee and not one that looks like a dead squirrel perched upon your head.


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