Vegetable Gardening – That’s What She Said

I thought I had a green thumb.

After last year’s disaster with my cucumbers, to which I only yielded three–which looked like pickles–I was told the reason for the small yield (and size) was due to lack of water. What the hell? I was watering these plants every. single. day.

This year, my husband and I are pulling out all the stops. We purchased a soaker irrigation system that will be on a timer specifically for the vegetable garden; screw the rest of the yard–I’m on a mission. I WANT MY CUCUMBERS BIG.

That’s what she said.

One of Dave’s friends from work would bring me cucumbers from her garden last year. All I could do was either drool or cry. They were at least a foot long. I was green with cucumber envy.

I tried to grow cucumbers from seed indoors this year. This is how they turned out:


Hideous, I know. You don’t need to tell me they look like they’ve been trampled on.  I mean, I’ve been staring at them for two weeks wondering what the hell happened. No lack of water here. I just suck at growing plants from seed. Thank God I wasn’t a farmer or I’d starve to death. When global warming really hits home and I have to grow my own vegetables, I’m screwed without the help of Home Depot.

So, now what? Thanks to Home Depot, I purchased tomato, spinach and broccoli plants. I’ve never had a problem growing beans from seed. The problem with beans though is that there are never enough for a meal. I will admit that as we pick the beans we tend to eat them and toss a few to the dogs.

Okay. It’s really my fault we don’t have enough beans for a meal. What-EVER. Where’s the firing squash? Where’s the produce police?

I’d like to grow eggplant, but I’ll probably be the only person who will eat it. So, what’s the point of growing it? However, I did attempt growing these from seed just to see if I could fail at it. I think you all know the answer to that one; EPIC FAIL.

I tried growing spinach from seed. FAIL.

Tomatoes? Let’s not even go there. I buy plants for tomatoes because of the hundreds of different varieties out there. And, of course, I would FAIL.

Dave tills the garden each year and throws in a few hundred pounds of manure to smell up the joint. While he’s tilling, he’s yelling something at me. Of course, I can’t hear what the hell he’s saying, so I’m watching his lips.



SLEEP?! Why the hell do you want to sleep? Can’t you finish this first?

After he gave me a hand signal to state he wanted to strangle my neck, he said really loud, “DEEP!!!!”

The ground, when tilled, was nice and deep.  Again–(all together now):

That’s what she said.

I then get on my hands and knees and start planting away. I made a few adjustments to my planting tools this year. I now use knee pads. They are my new best friend, and I go everywhere with them.

Let me rephrase: I go everywhere in the yard with them. Wearing them out to dinner would certainly start a new fashion trend. Perhaps bedazzling them would not make them stick out like a sore thumb; at least they wouldn’t suck so bad like my green thumb.

Thumb sucking. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m having a pity party for my green thumb which has suddenly started to go gangrene on me. I have absolutely no talent for yielding anything short of shoddy vegetables from my garden. But I’m going to keep trying until I get those foot long cucumbers.

However, I always have awesome tomatoes. Wait for it…………

That’s what she said.

Forget about planting pumpkins which I’ve always wanted to do. I just don’t have the space. Those plants can trail on for miles; the same with squash and zucchini. What’s the big whoop about zucchini anyway? To me, it tastes like nothing. It’s like eating air but with a chewy substance.  Celery is more delicious to me. Although after you chew on celery for a while you start to get that stringy feeling in your mouth.

limpcarrotAnd, no. I don’t chew like a horse. Horses eat carrots.  Carrots are appealing to me. Get it?

Which reminds me…

I tried growing carrots three times. I also failed three times. The seed packet says, “Yields in 55 – 65 days.” Really? I would let them grow all fucking summer, and as soon as I would pull them out of the soil they were only about six inches long and would go from sturdy to limp in a matter of minutes. Was it something I said? Did I not pull you the right way, Mr. Carrot?

That’s what she said.


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