New #Blog Post: Summer Means Bite Me. #mosquitoes, #humor


Literally.

Mosquitoes–or any type of insect that has the capacity to bite or sting a human being–loves my body as one of their main meals of the day; it doesn’t matter whether it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner. Apparently, my body has bacon and eggs, ham sandwiches and beef tri-tips loitering on any of my appendages, phalanges and torso.moquitobiting

And, yes. I use a napkin as well as a fork and knife. I even know which fork to use first at a fancy restaurant.

So, there.

People tell me mosquitoes love me because of my blood. I read an article about why mosquitoes like to dine on certain people than others’.  The first problem was blood type. Wait–no. The first problem was the fact that I’m in the top twenty percent of people whom mosquitoes like to bite. This was disheartening, but not yet surprising to my blotchy, red, scabby skin.

I have a rare blood type: O Negative. Mosquitoes absolutely love O type blood. The second item I read was that mosquitoes also love carbon dioxide emissions. Not from a car, but from someone who emits carbon dioxide on a larger scale. See? This is what happens when I talk too much…or am breathing heavily outdoors.

The next thing was a no-brainer; mosquitoes like sweat. Well, isn’t that appealing? As most of you know, I have, like, man sweat glands. I have to use men’s clinical deodorant and antiperspirant to block the stench. However, the humidity doesn’t stop me from sweating. This is why I can’t stand Florida (sorry Floridians). You find yourself outside for five lousy, thick-aired minutes and you start sweating on your arms, neck, and under “the girls.” When I have to walk four dogs each day, as well as take my two-mile walk–by myself so I don’t have to hold poop bags for once–I work up a sweat.

I work up a sweat when I mow the lawn.

I work up a sweat when I weed the yard.

I work up a sweat when I stare at my dogs taking a crap.

It’s not hard to get me sweating; especially when it’s humid outside. For mosquitoes, it just screams, “TIME FOR LUNCH!”

Moving on to  the fact that mosquitoes love skin bacteria. I would like to state for the record that I am not a petri dish. I also have excellent hygiene because I need to shower twice a day to rid myself of dog  hair, drool (not mine), and of course, massive sweating.

I was bitten last weekend on my right foot. But, it definitely wasn’t from a mosquito because the bite really hurt. Since I was standing on mulch, I’m assuming it was a really pissed off spider (maybe I crushed its mate), or it was a wasp. Either way, my foot swelled up to the size of a small mango. After the swelling dissipated, the intense itching started which produced bleeding and now scabbing. It’s getting better–my foot is its normal size–but the scabbing is not very pretty. Does concealer work on your feet?

I realize it’s totally my fault about the scratching thing. I used Itch-X as well as coconut oil which helped alleviate my compulsion to scratch until it bled. Try it sometime; it works like a charm.

In further reading the article, mosquitoes love people who drink beer and are also pregnant–hopefully, not at the same time. You can rule me out on these two items. I’m not really a beer drinker and am definitely not pregnant at fifty.

Can that be a new reality TV series? Pregnant and Fifty? hmmm…

Clothing color is probably another reason they love me. I wear black often. Mosquitoes use vision (along with scent) to locate humans, so wearing colors that stand out (black, dark blue or red) may make you easier to find.  This is probably why Dave, my husband, always told me that I would stand out in a crowd.

I’m sure there are other reasons why I would stand out in a crowd–I’ll let you, my wonderful readers, respond with your creative suggestions.

I have serious concerns about West Nile virus. Being a bit OCD (after looking on to Web MD for another blog article), I’m wondering when I’m going to be struck with the disease. Thinking about it makes me scratch an itch that really isn’t there. It’s the equivalent to seeing a spider and then rubbing your arms all over your body to rid yourself of the sensation that there are spiders crawling up your arms or legs.

Please tell me you do what I just described; I need validation that I’m not nuts.

Maybe I should just wear one of those bee-keeper outfits when I go outside or a burqa; to me that’s not nuts. Ideepwoodsoff would rather do that than spray myself with Off! Deep Woods Repellent. Although this insect repellent works great for me, when combined with the sweating, I’m glistening in the sun like a rare diamond–or a piece of a liquor bottle shattered in the gutter.

Whichever.

Do they make insect repellent with SPF? Not that I’m that concerned about getting skin cancer, but now that I think about it…

Oh. My. God–another OCD moment.

 

 

 

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