The Dog Hair Whisperer


If you’ve followed my blog, you have antiquated knowledge that we own four dogs: Lucy (3 years), Crusher (2 years), Gunther (7 months), and Otto (7 months).

I’m no stranger to dog hair. Having been raised my entire life with a dog (singular) in the household, I was familiar with the doggedly tiring doghairexercise of taking dog hair off of your black pants with a lint brush, masking tape, or anything “tape-like.”

We had three dogs for a while and decided to get Gunther’s brother, Otto. When Otto came into the family, he seamlessly settled in and happily plays with others’. We have fondly nicknamed him “Flounder”–the character from Animal House.

I really didn’t think adding a fourth dog would make a huge difference in the amount of  hair I would have to sweep, vacuum, dust, or scrape (yes-scrape).

Boy, was I wrong.

It’s a daily ritual. I should have been born with a vacuum in my right hand, and a Swiffer Duster in my left.

Starting in the basement, I vacuum up bits of old dog food, dog hair, and mulch. The main part of the house is kind of the same way, but there is so much dog hair,  you can put a pile together and make a small dog out of it.

Maybe I just invented a new type of textile art. Look for it at the next SOFA show.

dysonanimalCleaning Sidenote: If you want a really good vacuum for dog hair, purchase the Dyson Animal. I’ve had mine for six years and can’t live without it. Yeah, it’s a little pricey, but completely worth it.

The main part of the house is where all Thatches of Hair reside. These are large balls of hair when, upon keeping the windows open, individual hairs on the floor seem to have a big ‘ol square dance, wrapping their partners until there are so many partners it’s a huge fur ball orgy.

That leaves the top floor–our master bedroom, office, closet and bath. The king of Thatches of Hair resides under our bed. Why? Because he has shelter from the elements and animals that may rip him apart. When I remove him, all the kings horses and all the kings men, never saw the king of Thatches of Hair again.

There are Thatches of Hair in the witness protection program who hang out in our closet. I only know this because I’ve discovered them hiding in shoes and under our ottoman. They would try to blend in with Dave’s hideous Friday Hawaiian shirts. They also thought they could escape by hiding behind the door and climb upon my scarves.

Lastly, the ones who like to party hang out by the stairs next to my desk. They’re all loose and carefree. Just hanging around in groups and moving to the breeze–or music.

I smell something funny.

Taking the time to clean under every piece of furniture normally isn’t in a person’s best interest when they clean. I would love the luxury of surface cleaning the house; dust a few things and be done with it.

My dogs don’t allow this because they shake, roll, wag and lay down every hair which isn’t fastened to their skin either on my floor or under a heavy sofa.

Introducing Swiffer Duster, the best catch-all for dog hair under and between anything EVER. I’m just pissed I didn’t invent the thing because it’s awesome. I use it for underneath sofa’s, chairs, ottomans, behind chairs and in tight corners when I don’t want to drag out the vacuum–okay, I’m just lazy.

It takes me roughly 45 minutes to handle all three floors on a day-to-day basis. If I miss a day, the Thatches of Hair contemplate overthrowing those who are not within their party–kind of like Republicans and Democrats.

 

 

 

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