1. If you live in a region that has a season called Winter, you don’t need to get up thirty minutes earlier to scrape the one-inch-thick ice from your windshield, turn on the defroster to the highest possible setting, and clear your entire car of the fluffy white crap we call snow. Pssst: Snow is only pretty on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. After that, it looks like gray mashed potatoes on the side of the road.
2. You can talk to someone over the phone anywhere in your house. I draw the line at the bathroom. No one wants to hear a toilet flush or a deuce drop in the middle of a conversation.
3. No one can stop by unannounced and plant their behinds in your cubicle to discuss something urgent. When this happens I start to frown and then immediately think of being efficient. It takes forty-two muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and slap that person in the face.
4. There is no corporate red tape. There is only me and my four dogs to make executive decisions around here. Today we decided to play catch with tennis balls rather than going for walks because I didn’t feel like putting on pants and having responsibilities. This decision also led to more creative thinking and picking up four piles of dog shit. Did you know that on a daily basis I pick up eighteen piles of dog-shit? No shit.
5. I can multi-task while not sitting at my desk. Cleaning the house and coming up with writing ideas makes for a good partnership. I never thought picking up wads of dog hair could lead to such enlightening topics. Did you know the most awkward moment in life is between birth and death? That can be a long awkward moment…or not.
6. If I need to have a meeting, I have it with myself. If I feel I need a majority to chime in, I invite my dogs. It’s typically an ideas meeting where I go through thoughts about writing on certain things. Lucy is the one who typically walks out and barks the F bomb at me. She’s a bitch and not a team player. No cookie for her.
7. Liquor is only twelve steps away. It’s noon somewhere, and when I start drinking I use the word, “Fuck” like a comma, so I’m fucking glad I don’t have to fucking go anywhere any-fucking-time soon. Fuck yeah!