There is now an official mental disorder called Internet Addiction.
I’m being completely serious. Don’t laugh.
Well, okay; go ahead and laugh because I think it’s pretty ridiculous myself.
It turned out he was having a hard time functioning because he wasn’t wearing his Google glasses.
The man apparently had been wearing the glasses for up to eighteen hours a day. He used them for everything with the exception of sleeping and showering.
I guess Google hasn’t come up with a waterproof version of the glasses yet. While they’re at it, perhaps they should place warning stickers on their glasses like cigarette manufacturers put on their packages.
The kind of withdrawals the man had were worse than those associated with alcohol. When his therapist asked him a question, the man would have this repeated movement of placing his index finger to the right side of his face; as if trying to turn on the glasses which were no longer there. He even started seeing his dreams through Google glass.
I’ve heard of people using their middle fingers to answer their Therapist’s questions, but not this. And, truth be told, I know some Therapists that would daydream about placing their foot up their patient’s ass.
I’m totally not making this shit up. Although the term, “Internet Addiction” is not in the American Psychiatric Association of Mental Disorders, it will probably make it on the list soon followed by something called, “nomophobia”. This is short for “no-mobile-phone” phobia, or the fear of being without a mobile phone.
I’m sure you’ve experienced nomophobia yourself. You leave the house in a hurry one morning for work, and halfway to your destination you realize you left your phone at home.
The rest of your day is screwed. You feel like you have phantom limb syndrome because your phone is not in your hands. Your thumbs start cramping up because they aren’t getting their daily workout of sending at least twenty texts.
And, worse yet–you can’t check your Facebook or Twitter feed.
You start to break into a sweat and wonder how you’re going to keep yourself busy while waiting in line for your lunch. You’ve now opened yourself up to the possibility of conversing with other human beings. You actually need to make eye contact? Jesus, this is worse than you thought.
When it comes to technology resistance is futile. I’ve seen mothers going through their Facebook feeds and emails while their kids are taking their swimming lessons.
Hey Mom! Look at me! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Momma!
And you wonder why kids are so starved for attention these days, (especially when they are screaming to be saved from drowning). They feel the only way they can achieve a parent’s undivided attention it is by creating some heinous act against humanity.
I remember when the first mobile phone came out. Appropriately named the Brick Phone, it weighed about fifty pounds and had a battery life of about four hours. We thought it was the shit. Not only could you use it to make phone calls, but you could also use it to kill someone by hitting them over the head rendering them brain-dead.
This also prompted the invention of the bigger purse–or bag–because the brick phone was so damn huge, it wouldn’t fit in a normal purse.
You also had to start weight lifting.
Those were simpler times that afforded us the luxury of simpler problems.
Things certainly have changed, haven’t they? Maybe they can come up with a mobile phone that–when pressing a bright, red button–a HAZ-MAT suit will pop out to protect yourself against Ebola.