If you have been reading my blog for a while, you’ll remember my post about certain words I love and hate.
My pad of paper has gotten full again with different words. The sound of the word–not necessarily the meaning–that either makes me smile with satisfaction since it rolls off my tongue like a foreign language, or it makes me smirk and slightly regurgitate.
As usual, our list of words we loathe outnumbered the words we love. And, as usual, this is probably because the words we loathe are often reminiscent of people we dislike or have absolutely no idea about the context of the word and use it over and over…and over; to the point of me picking up the heaviest object within reach and slamming it over their heads to shut them the hell up.
Here are the words we loathe; we meaning my husband and me:
Boil (as on the skin)
The word, Chigger is the name of an insect. It’s an annoying little thing, but when I hear the word I think it’s racist. Chiggers should be renamed Chigroes.
Every time I hear the word, phlegm, I just want to clear my throat and ask for a glass of water. I also don’t want to order anything in a restaurant because phlegm is transparent; and tasteless. This word sounds more like a super hero name. He would have the super power to clear out a restaurant so he could have the whole damn place to himself.
When I would be going through my teenage pimple-infested years, I would refer to my blemishes as pimples and not zits. The word just doesn’t fit its object. Zit sounds more like something that would be zapped–gone. A zit can stay on your face, back or arm for days; even weeks if you keep picking the crap out of it.
Don’t even get me started on skin tags.
Skin boils can be applied to the above category of zits. “Oh, you have a boil?” This question is often followed by me looking for a pot bubbling on your ass but I don’t see one.
Peter. Jesus. I know the two probably go hand in hand, but here’s my thinking on the word, Peter. All that goes through my crazy little head is the nursery rhyme. You’ve heard it:
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn’t keep her…
First of all, Peter shouldn’t be eating raw pumpkins. The only subjects eating raw pumpkins should be animals–like squirrels. They eat my pumpkins this time of year to the point of me not having to carve them. And, I can understand why Peter, the pumpkin eater, couldn’t keep a wife. I mean, he’s eating pumpkins for Christ sake. I suppose I shouldn’t be so choosy; at least he’s not doing meth.
Salve. This sounds like a word you would say with a huge piece of phlegm stuck in your throat. Salve, if used for full effect, should linger on with a gurgling affect when you say it: Saaaaaaaaaaalve. After you say the word, it kind of brings up the phlegm, don’t you think? Salve is supposed to be soothing like lotion. So, why don’t we all use the word, lotion, instead? Salve is old school. It reminds me of Petticoat Junction and Uncle Joe; whose movin’ kinda slow.
He could use some Saaaaaaaaaaalve.
Speaking of Salve…
You might need some after you stick those suppositories up your ass. But, I don’t like the word suppository because it reminds me of a bank. Now, most people wouldn’t envision their assholes as banks, but if you think of banks as assholes you’re in luck.
Every time I see someone wearing a shirt, pants, jackets, socks, or even make up with crystals, sequins or shiny shit, it’s bedazzling to me. Bedazzling to me means I can’t believe this chick is wearing this crap. It’s unbelievable to try to be dazzling when all you have to do is have a nice personality.
“What does she look like?”
“I don’t know, but she has a nice personality.”
Taters. Can’t anyone just say the whole name anymore? Have we been so lazy as to shorten every word of the English language? The only exceptions to this rule are Tater Tots (meaning small taters, but could also mean small children holding small potatoes), or those who live in the south and don’t call potatoes anything other than taters.
I know. I shouldn’t be a hater to those who use the word taters. But, in my house we don’t say on Thanksgiving Day, “Can you please pass the taters?”
We say, “Pass the damn potatoes before I poke your eye out with my fork.”
Snatch and coochie may go hand in hand, if you have a dirty mind. However, I don’t.
(long sigh from my reading audience along with a huge eye roll)…
These two words are wrong. Just wrong. I know the word, coochie, may seem like a cute term for tickling a small child, (coochie-coochie-coooooo!), but some people don’t like to be tickled; they find it horrifying. As far as the word, snatch, is concerned, I would just like to say that the word reminds me not only of a female body part, but a term for a new Girl Scout accessory; a satchel with lots of patches.
Let’s move on to the words we love:
Repugnant. This word, to me, sounds like it should be the name of a perfume. I don’t think it would sell.
We love the word, goiter. Goiter is just a fun word, and it’s better than saying, that other word…boil. Goiter sounds like a baby alligator. A baby Jewish alligator.
Apoptosis is a medical term for the death of cells. I think it’s a word used for Pop Tarts that have been burnt and are no longer soft and chewy, but rather, stiff, burnt, and unappealing.
Ruckus is used around our house often because we have four dogs. Remind me to name one of our dogs, Ruckus, next time we get another dog. It suits them.
Obtuse. It’s not a circle. It’s not an oval. It’s obtuse. Wait. I don’t get it…
Conundrum is fun. It sounds like a party rather than a problem. Confetti with drums; that’s cool with me. Pass the punch!
The word, paste, makes me hungry. Well, at least that’s what my inner five-year old says.
Cantankerous. Again with the skin problems. This word reminds me of canker sores. Have you ever seen a canker sore? He gets pretty cranky, let me tell ya.
Cornucopia. Along with passing the taters on Thanksgiving Day, this is the only time I think of the word, cornucopia. This is only because it has the word corn in it, and because it’s the only time of year you actually see one on a table…or anywhere for that matter.
Frumpy makes me happy. It’s better than saying baggy, dull, plain or shabby. It’s also the eighth dwarf that was never seen in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs because he had a double personality and was too difficult to handle on the set. One day he was friendly, the next he was grumpy. Damn Dwarfs.
Lastly, there’s the word, rectum. This is the word that should be used for some sort of accident rather than a part of your anatomy:
“He was in a car accident. Both cars are wrecked. Is he going to be okay, doctor?”
“Rectum? Damn near killed him!”