Last Minute Holiday Gifts

Thank God I’m not fitting into this category.

I’m not a last minute kinda gal. I am what you would call the OCD and ADHD equivalent of being prepared. I will polish a turd until it shines if I have nothing else better to do with my extra time. Trust me, there are plenty of turds lying around here thanks to four dogs and one husband who likes to sit on the toilet five times a day.


I think not.

If you haven’t had a chance to look at your calendar because you’re too busy looking at your Facebook feed and stalking your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or pinning recipes on Pinterest you will never ever make, you’ll notice that next week is Christmas.

Are you panicking yet?

No worries. I have a few ideas for you to fill up your Santa sack for those you love–or loathe–but are required to buy gifts for during this festive, frustrating, and frenzied time of year.

1. You can’t go wrong with booze. Well, let me rephrase; you can’t go wrong with booze if the person you’re giving it to is not trying to give up booze. If they’re a wine drinker, check out The Drunken Cyclist’s website. He always has great wine choices. If they like the hard stuff, check out your local booze-ery or grocery store, ya big spender.

2. It’s probably too late to order a gift basket, but you can make one if you’re creative enough. Shit! Go onto Pinterest and check out gift basket ideas. Go crazy for the person who has a favorite hobby, food, or obsession with clowns.

3. I’m not a fan of hunting for sport. I like Bambi. I also like little duckies and beavers. Wait. Who would hunt a beaver? Don’t answer that.

Anyway, for your hunter friend, buy them a bow and arrow set like the kind that kids can play with. Make sure there are suction cups on the arrows to really piss him off. On second thought, do they even make a bow and arrow set for kids anymore? Since the government has made Jarts illegal, I’m worried they’ve outlawed plastic bows and arrows as well.

4. The all-time famous fruit cake would be something–if I were to be the recipient of–I would promptly throw into thefruitcake fireplace and proceed to hear it crackle from the twenty or so years of crud on it since it’s been baked. You can put a bow on that fruitcake if you want to disguise it, but at the end of the holiday, it is what it is; a fucking fruitcake.

5. A poinsettia plant. This is a gift that you can give to someone who doesn’t have a green thumb. Poinsettias don’t die. Ever.

Little poinsettia fact: They grow wild in Bermuda; tragic for those who live in Buffalo.

6. Jelly of the month club, anyone? Don’t go all Clark Griswold on me if you don’t get cash instead. However, if you are a jelly lover, all the better…or butter.

7. Nothing says, “I love you,” like a coffee mug that says, “I Hate You.” If you can’t talk to anyone until you have your first cup of coffee, this gift is a winner.

8. Books. I know of two books that people can get for their family or friends (shameless self promotion coming in 3, 2, 1…)

For those who are hard of hearing, suffered hearing loss, wear cochlear devices and need a little humor, as well as guidance, on how to deal with noise, loved ones, and living your life with a few adjustments, check out my five star reviewed book called, I Can Finally Hear Birds. People love it and appreciate the brevity and humor in living with something that others’ can’t see. It’s a great book to start a conversation with someone in your life that is hard of hearing but just won’t admit it.


The other book is just good humor. It’s a good bathroom book with several short stories so you don’t feel like you have to read War and Peace while going through an entire roll of toilet paper. Five star reviews and at a very reasonable price, Angry Birds and Beehive Hair is a book based on true stories from yours truly. It’s all true. I’m not ashamed to share.

9. Nothing says, “I want to divorce you” like buying your woman a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I’m married to my vacuum cleaner because I have four dogs. This doesn’t mean I want a vacuum cleaner for Christmas…not unless you want a segue-way to discussing divorce.

10. You can’t go wrong with office supplies. People either steal them from their places of work, or use home-made devices at home to replace paper clips (e.g. using twist ties with tape). Give the gift that keeps on making someone work past their normal sixty hour work week, and give them some staples and highlighters.

On that post-it note…..

Have a Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever else you’re celebrating this time of year, and thank you all for your continued loyal readership and the smiles–or snarls–on your faces when you read my stuff.

It makes me happy to make you happy!!!!


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