Man Spreading

A guy has a right to spread out.

On the other groin, a girl will be looked at as a slut if she were to spread her legs apart; taking up one, two, or even three seats.

manspreadingThis is the latest conundrum in New York, and I would assume, spanning the U.S. since the new term, “Man Spreading” has out-stretched the nation from big cities to far-ranging little towns.

The problem–as most writers have expanded upon–is the fact that guys who sit on a subway train will take a seat, slouch their asses forward, and spread their legs wide enough to back in an RV. Since there is very limited seating on subways in New York, sitting next to a guy who is man spreading exposes someone to two different types of emotions from the guy who is doing the man spreading:

1. I want my space, and I’ll keep spreading my legs to make you feel pretty uncomfortable to the point of me rubbing up against you, or;

2. I’m going to lessen my man spreading a bit because you are either a very attractive woman, very attractive man, or pregnant.

Guys who are guilty of man spreading claim that they feel more comfortable in this position. It allows their genitals to breathe.


I’m certain that there are plenty of women who would like to have their genitals breathe as well since our gender wears tights, hose, spanx, and whatever else to look attractive and/or professional. Our office dress codes require it. Come to think of it, so does the fashion world; and our friends; and society. Let’s not forget vanity.

Yeah, women would like to sit on the subway after a long day and just spread their legs wide apart–we’ll call it woman spreading–to let her genitals breathe nice, cool, murky, subway air, while guys can sit cross-legged, or at least try to, during their train ride.

Why do guys get the comfort zone and women don’t? Because manners dictate that women don’t spread their legs in public places. If you do, you’re called a slut, whore, trash, hooker, or worst of all, a floozy.

But, people have had enough of man spreading, and it is now deemed inappropriate as well. Signs are going up in the subway, on buses, cabs, store window mannequins are spreading their legs with big red X’s in front of them. I don’t know about that last comment, but it would be a good conversation starter, huh?

In the world of Ebola, ISIS, North Korean hackers, and conscious uncoupling, our country is taking a full-frontal, sweeping approach to containing the spreading of men’s legs.

The widespread epidemic of man spreading is sweeping the nation, and we need to stop it as soon as possible before people start protesting, picketing in front of subway entrances (cross-legged, of course), and we start seeing a wide array of public service announcements showing guys crotches.

So, guys–now you know what it’s like to feel slutty. People find you rude. They want you to close up your legs and act like a lady for Christ sake. Give up those two extra seats your ass and quads are taking up so that someone else can sit down. Did you pay extra for those seats on a flight to Mexico? Probably not, but the lady next to you wants you to put your arm rest down because you are seriously intruding on her personal space.


3 thoughts on “Man Spreading

  1. Hi, I read about man spreading in a norwegian newpaper today, it`s 4 hours ago and I`m still laughing. 🙂 Why do men spread their legs when they sit on the subway they ask. Answer: we have testicles and penises. Do you not have sex ed in the US..? I wish I could meet everyone who dont understand man spreading, because then I could pull out a little doll and say “ok children, listen up, this is how a mans body works”. lol

    I do this every single time I sit down. Every time. Because, it`s either that or sitting there with the very uncomfortable feeling of crushed nuts and squashed penis. That`s the reason, very simple. So women who dont like this, sorry, but I aint crushing my nuts for you. Never. Wont happen. So forget it, or invent a better man.

  2. I forgot one thing; I love you very much America, hope to see you one day, you`re great, but things like man spreading, wearing shoes indoors and putting cheese on everything is funny and weird. 🙂 Actually, I think that`s part of the reason I love you, you`re weird.

  3. I’ve never been to Norway. Do they have pizza there? If not, you’re missing out on a good thing!

    Putting cheese on everything is really a matter of individual taste. Honestly, I think it’s just a cheesy thing to do, but no matter how to slice it, some people just prefer a Gouda cheese over other cheeses.

    Okay, I’ll stop now.

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