New Olympic Events

As usual, my husband and I were  having a raucous conversation about Curling.

No, not the curling of hair or bicep curls, but rather, the Olympic sport that always has everyone talking–specifically about Norway’s uniforms–and how an Olympic curler must get in condition for such a rigorous event.

There is a lot of sweeping, lunging and aiming. But, with this particular event it isn’t about speed. Precision is indispensable in order to obtain the big gold medal in curling.

In doing research for this blog, I took it upon myself to find out the original sporting events during the first Olympics. Believe it or not, it was a one day event and only had about five different types of competitions.

Then, I got to thinking…


Olympic events need a little renovation–shake things up a bit.  New events should be added in order to keep up with how human beings have made an art form of some every day (and not so every day) tasks into something that can definitely become an Olympic worthy.

Most Olympic sports are geared for the best to be the fastest. However, there is also other things to be considered besides speed; degree of difficulty, physical demands on the body, and of course, presentation.

Let’s start with pole dancing. It was seriously considered in-the-running to be part of the Olympic agenda. If they have National Pole Dancing Championships already, I think it’s just a natural progression to take it up a notch–or pole. I mean pole dancers use chalk just like gymnasts so why not?

If it becomes an Olympic event, it will be sold out.

Every. Single. Day.

Walking while texting should be an Olympic sport as well. There are hundreds of people who can qualify for this event. There would be an obstacle course to look like a city street; store fronts, mailboxes, other pedestrians, traffic lights, gangs offering random drive by shootings, and homeless people sitting in the middle of the sidewalk.

Competitors must navigate their way through the obstacle course in the fastest time possible while texting a poem, “The Raven” to the Olympic judges. The one with the fastest time as well as error free (no auto-corrects), and not get killed by random bullets would go on to the second round which would be…

Short hand texting; using emoji’s and acronyms to text the same poem by Edgar Allen Poe. Do they have a raven emoji?

ikeaThe hardest event to qualify for–in my own humble opinion–would be IKEA furniture assembly.

I only say this because half the time, the shit doesn’t fit where it’s supposed to, doesn’t come with instructions, or has missing parts. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones who gets a desk with all the parts AND instructions (in English), you have to qualify by building it in the fastest time and making sure that the desk doesn’t fall apart within five minutes of using it. You also have to assemble the IKEA unit with your husband and/or wife without fighting.

Suitcase packing should be added to the Olympic brochure. Let’s face it; we’ve become cheap bastards because the airlines charge us an appendage for luggage. In order to save some bucks, we get a carry-on suitcase and cram everything we possibly can into it without it busting a zipper. It’s the equivalent of wearing pants that are two sizes too small for your ever-widening ass.

Suitcase packing has become an art-form, especially if you have to leave in a rush for a two week trip to Maui.


Let’s change the destination because all you would need for Maui is a bathing suit. Let’s say you have to pack for Spain. It’s November. You have to pack the correct clothing, shoes, accessories, adapters, electronics, camera, etc. all into your carry-on.  The gold medalist will be the one who can complete the suitcase packing in the quickest time, but must also show degree of difficulty and presentation (e.g. neatness).

Moving on…

When I see a comb-over, I often have to stare at it for a moment. I don’t mean to gawk at the guy who is fashioning it, but some of the comb-overs I see are just fucking brilliant.

They are works of art. I think this should be an Olympic event. And, just like banning steroids or performance enhancing drugs, you are forbidden to use any Ron Popeil products to hide or enhance your comb-over artwork.

If I see a comb-over like Marge Simpson’s hair, it’s a gold medal, baby.margesimpsonhair

As far as housework is concerned, the one thing I absolutely can’t stand doing is folding laundry. But, if you time yourself to see how quick you are it can be kind of fun.

Let’s make this an Olympic sport as well because everyone is aware of folding laundry; pairing up correct socks, no inside-out underwear permitted, and if there is a fabric softener sheet in your clothes pile you automatically become disqualified. This is all about speed and hand-eye coordination, folks. I could say, “Don’t try this at home,” but you probably already have.

The last on my list is lawn mowing. If you are a suburban homeowner, most of you are probably obsessed with your lawn. You meticulously groom it every week–sometimes twice or three times–to get that perfect cut, as opposed to the comb-over event which requires no cut whatsoever.

You fertilize, water, pick weeds and mow in horizontal and checkered patterns. There are no bald or brown spots on your lawn. If you find one, you run outside and kneel by its side like a sports physician runs out onto the field to help an injured football player. You bring your bottled water and small bag of fertilizer to offer it nutrition–running your hands through the patch to determine its injury–tears fill your eyes.

You are the lawn whisperer.

This, my friend, qualifies you for the lawn mowing Olympic event. Speed is involved. Whoever finishes first will move on to the next round which will include an additional task: edging. If you win this round, you move on to the finals which involves lawn mowing a half acre plot, edging around the carefully planted vegetation and lastly, weeding.

No weed must be left unpicked. No blade of grass must be left longer than the others. After careful inspection by the Olympic judges, the person who meets these criteria–as well as finishing first–will win the coveted gold medal.

I had other events that I thought of: female car parking, dishwasher loading, leaf raking, vacuuming (oh, snap! I’d win that one!), Christmas decorating, burping and farting, but I have to finish this blog since I’m building an entire closet organizer I bought from IKEA.

My dogs are helping me and Crusher already lost a screw…

Or maybe we never got one in the box…

Where’s my instructions? Oh, I found them. They were folded up into a tiny square in between the ten layers of cardboard. I love how they make things so easy to find.

Shit. These are in French, Spanish and Japanese….


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