Barbie Is Talking Back…With Attitude

If you read my blog on a regular basis, I tend to go on a rant–from time to time–about toys and technology.

hellobarbieMattel is going to give Barbie a chance to talk to you and your children. This could potentially mean that Barbie will start to sound like a lilliputian smart-mouth bitch to some mothers. This could also potentially mean that Barbie will sound like Beyonce or Joan of Arc to little girls who want to spring free from their mother’s steel grasp and make a run for freedom toward Ken…or Karla…or whomever or wherever.

Burn their training bras! Burn at the stake!

Little girls will run a line through the sand and claim their land, telling everyone that they know what to do at the ripe old age of five because Barbie told her so.

All of a sudden I had images of David Koresh and the Branch Davidian siege in Waco.

Barbie is now engulfed in the Internet of Things where she will have wi-fi and personalize responses to children in real time. A lot of toy developers think this is real cutting-edge technology.

I think it is the most ridiculous, moronic, freaky and schizo thing I have ever seen.

Pssst. Barbie is a doll. She’s fake. She is made of plastic and has fake boobs. She has a perfectly proportioned body–which in a fact by itself tells you she’s fake–and she is uber-rich with sports cars, luxury homes, pools, recreational vehicles, spas and more.

What plastic piece of shit is uber-rich that you personally know and have conversations with on a daily basis?

Soon, it will be Barbie.

Who is not supposed to talk.


Talking dolls are creepy. Talking stuffed animals are creepy, except for Ted–he’s just fucking hilarious.

When I read about this newest Barbie that can potentially brainwash your child, I started wondering with all the different Barbie’s out there, what could each one possibly say to empower and enrich a small girl’s wonderment of the world?

Let’s do a little imagining and go back to all the Barbie jokes I fondly remember:

Teenage Pregnancy Barbie …comes complete with dropout forms. Angry parents and deadbeat boyfriend sold separately. She would say things like, “I don’t know how it happened,” “Should I or should I not get an abortion?” “I’m not sure its Ken’s baby.” (soap opera music fades….).

Tool Time Barbie …includes tool belt, which she has no idea what to do with, but she knows it’s a belt because Barbie knows her accessories. She tosses out the hammer and the wrench, but decides to keep the screws and nails since they would make cool earrings. She would sing, “If I had a Hammer,” and would rattle off puns about hammers and tools:

  • I thought I nailed it, but screw it.
  • You know the drill
  • I’m happy that you didn’t screw that up!
  • Hammer time.
  • You really hammered home your point about stupid tool puns, now stop it

Hippie Barbie …comes complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia. She says something like, “Whaaat?” “Cool,” and “That’s not mine, officer.” Police officer with taser and handcuffs sold separately.

Mafia Victim Barbie …Her feet are set in cement, and she really sinks! She says something like, “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli,” and “we’re goin’ the mattresses.” I’m not really sure if she really says that because as she’s talking cement starts to fill up her speaker. Cannoli sold separately because it is perishable. As the mafia would say, “buy your own fucking cannoli.”

Godzilla Barbie …six foot tall lizard with Barbie head. She breathes fire when she talks and screeches at such a high-pitched tone, your kid will go tone deaf. Fire extinguisher sold separately.

Darth Vader Barbie …comes with black plastic helmet and cape. She will talk like James Ear Jones, breathe heavily, and if you take off her mask you’ll reveal what Barbie really looks like. Light saber sold separately.

Manic-Depressive BarbieThis Barbie comes with a complete set of Oriental throwing knives, cookbook, kitchen cleaner, and hatchet. Psychology book sold separately. She sings, “If you’re happy and you know it kill your cat! (clap! clap!). “Oh, God! I’m sorry I just said that,” and “You’re a bitch! Shit! I’m sorry I just said that.”

Death Row Barbie …She comes complete with a prison cell, pack of smokes, and tattoo. Raunchy cellmate sold separately. She says things like, “I’m here to reform myself,” “I’ve written twenty-two letters to the parole board and still haven’t received a response,” and “I’m innocent!”

Divorce Barbie …The most popular Barbie! She includes the house, the car, and half of Ken’s belongings. Attorney with briefcase and pinky ring sold separately. She says things like, “I’m going to drag you under the bus, you asshole,” “I’ll take you for every dime you have,” and “You’re not taking my kids!”

So, as you can see, this whole talking Barbie thing is really not good for your little girls. Just have your girls play with the fake plastic big-boob barbie who doesn’t talk. Have your child use her imagination with pretend conversations. Hopefully, they won’t be like anything you just read. If her conversations are like what you just read…

I’m really sorry.


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