If it’s that important, how come I’ve been waiting on the fucking phone for twenty minutes?
I think we’ve all been there, right? Calling up a help desk (or helpless desk), a customer service number to find out why your package of very pricey imported olives hasn’t arrived yet (you’re expecting the Queen of Spain for cocktails and she insists on olives in her martini).
Is there a Queen for Spain?
Here’s the drill:
You call a number to get some help, information, whatever. The automated voice that sounds so soothing and warm tells you, “Thanks for contacting us! In order to better direct your call, I’m going to ask you a few quick questions.”
Remember that she said “quick”….
“Let’s start with your phone number. Please enter in your area code followed by your seven digit phone number and press the pound key.”
You enter your phone number like a good customer.
“Great! Now, what are you calling about? You can say something like, ‘technical support, track my package, poke a fork in someone’s neck….”
Poke a fork in someone’s neck.
“Okay. Got it. Just a few more quick questions and you’ll be on your way!”
Mmm-hmm. Quick, she says…
“Please enter your four digit pin number followed by the pound key.”
You enter your pin number.
“What’s your mother’s maiden name?”
Jesus. Really? Okay. You enter the name….
“Let’s verify a few transactions on your card.”
Let’s not. What happened to “quick?” Did that get missed somewhere?
The nice soothing automated voice rants off a few of your latest transactions.
“Are these correct? Press 1 for yes. Press 2 for no.”
I’m wondering what they’re going to ask for next: blood type? Zodiac sign? favorite color? When was the last time I had a bowel movement?
Do they want my dogs’ names? Perhaps they’ll ask if I shaved my armpits today.
Please hold for the next customer service representative.
So, I’m on hold for twenty minutes after I spent ten minutes going through all the required questions when I finally get an actual person on the other line.
They start out by asking me for my phone number.
“I just gave you my phone number through the nice automated voice person.”
Ya see? This is what really aggravates me. Why do they have you go through the litany of questions prior to actually speaking to a real person when that real person is only going to ask you the same damn questions over again?
Oh, wait. There’s a script. I know that several larger organizations go by a script–they don’t deviate from it whatsoever. If you ask them a question that is so far off-base, they will automatically ask you to hold while they get their supervisor.
You are on hold again for another five minutes. Worse yet, the supervisor is on lunch break. They ask me if I can call back.
What the fuck? Why would I want to call back and go through all that again?
They’ll rattle off a reference number for you, but you still end up going through the same series of questions when you call and hear that calm, soothing automated voice person.
I’m not calm anymore from the soothing voice of the damn automation system. You know what I really want? I want a real person to pick up the phone like they did back in the 1970’s. Or was it the 1980’s?
I want a real person to handle my problems with my credit card, my computer, my smart-watch, Thanksgiving turkey, or automated picture frame which you end up tossing out because it craps out on you after 90 days–which is the exact time frame the warranty expires.
I also want a damn cocktail–with an imported olive in it.