Peanut Butter & Jelly is Insulting

I supposed they used the word, “racist,” in their article, but I don’t want to go there.

peanutbutterThis article started it. The principal of the school noted that she decided that PB&J was racist to students of color. Since most of the children who attend her school are of a Mexican heritage, they are used to eating pitas, tortas, or other bread substitutes.

Okay. I’m not a brain surgeon, but why can’t they eat PB&J on a pita or a tortilla? I would.

I’d eat PB&J on wheat bread, white bread, raisin bread, cinnamon bread….the point is, you can eat PB&J on any type of damn bread you want.

So, this got me thinking…..(uh,oh).

If PB&J is insulting, let’s consider some other types of foods which may be considered the same based on my own random criteria:

1. Oreos. I’m not sure why this cookie hasn’t been called insulting already. It’s black. It’s white, and people dunk it in white milk. The point of contention here is do you use 2% or whole milk? The other point of contention is how to eat the Oreo. Some like to twist it and lick the white frosting first. Others just dunk the whole damn thing. Do you think it’s insulting to eat an Oreo because of the way it’s dunked, or what it is dunked into? Are parents allowed to put Oreos in their kid’s lunches these days, or does the parent and student get expelled from school?

2. Crackers. I guess any type of cracker would be insulting because white people are called crackers. Although, I’m not sure if Cheez-Its is part of this group; I mean, they’re orange. The only people I recall as being orange are from the movie, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.“Oompa-Loompa doopity-doo, I’ve got another puzzle for you…”

3. Ho-Ho’s. Heeeeeeey!!!!! HOOOOOOO!!!!!! If you’ve been called a ho, this food is insulting–not to mention fattening– and should therefore be not allowed in any school, vending machine, or grocery store. If you’ve been called a Ho and eat a Ho-Ho, that just hits a raw nerve. Maybe you’re a ho and don’t even know.

I just made a rhyme about a ho. I need to go back to English class.

4. Cheerios. This is insulting to the British. They use this word in its singular form to say good-bye…I think. Or is it just a nice greeting to another person?

5. Spaghetti Sauce. For the sake of any sort of Italian argument, I call it gravy. The jars in the grocery store call it sauce, but that’s not the insulting part. It could be but I would be getting ahead of myself. The insulting part is that all of the Spaghetti sauces that are for sale have an Italian name.

I’m getting agida just thinking about it. How come there aren’t any German spaghetti sauces? Von-Lichtenstein Spaghetti sauce. That sounds yummy, doesn’t it? It would come with clumps of sauerkraut and bratwurst.  What about Mexican spaghetti sauces? Lopez Spaghetti sauce, anyone? Spread that on a tortilla. I’ve been looking for a good Irish spaghetti sauce, but I’m sure once I open the jar it will start a fist fight with me.

Was that insulting?

6. Pull-Ups are insulting because most young men today wear their pants pulled down. So, a little kid who happens to be unusually fashion conscious may find Pull-Ups offensive at his age. He’ll probably pull them down with the crack of his ass showing to provide support–or not–to the population of young males who like to show their underwear, as well as the crack of their ass. In this case, a small child pulling down a pull-up would only show his ass with a possible rash.

Jesus. Another rhyme. I really have to go back to English class.

7. I think self-tanners are insulting. You’re a white person who wants to be dark. You’re a dark person and people hate you for it because you can wear bright colors anytime of the year and not look like a fucking albino snow-cone.

Do you see how ridiculous this all is?

Peanut Butter & Jelly is an institute to all American school lunches. My husband has never eaten a PB&J in his life, and I have absolutely no explanation for this other than his typical response of, “I was given dirt and rocks for lunch.”

This may explain his bowel movements five times a day. But then again, he’s a guy. Guys just like to sit on the toilet and read.

In the quiet comfort of the commode…and four dogs.

If I were a parent of a youngster who had to take a sack lunch to school, I would pack him a PB&J (two of them), Oreo cookies, a can of diet soda, and an apple. He can sit at a table away from all of the kids who are allergic to peanuts, foods that have gluten in them or kids who are vegan and have sushi for lunch.

He’ll be eating his lunch alone.


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