I was having a text conversation with my son yesterday asking him for some information. He said, “I’ll give it to you after I take a shit.”
I had a problem with that.
That sentence is always said out loud by people. I need to take a shit.
First off, you don’t take a shit. You leave a shit. If you take a shit, using the toilet becomes counter-productive because that’s where shit is supposed to go initially. So, why would you poop in the toilet and then take the shit?
I mean, that’s just gross. What do you do with the shit after you’ve taken it? Toss it out the window? Feed it to someone or something?
The correct response should be, “I need to leave a shit.” Leaving a shit is better than taking one, trust me. My dogs even leave shit–for me to pick up.
Other ways of saying you’re going to have a bowel movement can be something like:
- Dropping a deuce
- I have to go poopie (I’m not sure how many adults would actually say this out loud. If they do, they are either drunk, socially awkward, or still call their mom’s, mommy.
- Backing one out
- Bombing the Tidy Bowl Man
- Chop some butt wood
- Contribute to nature
You get my point.
This blog is kind of like the F Bomb I wrote about awhile back. Sit back and relax because we’re talking some serious shit here.
The word, shit, is actually more acceptable in today’s speech than the F Bomb (pssst. Fuck). Although, I love both words and use them to the point of excess, I try to avoid using both when dressed in a formal gown or wearing white gloves.
Which is never.
I couldn’t give a shit means, I don’t care. Really.
I. Don’t Care. It’s like me missing you like an old man’s urine stream misses a toilet.
Another wonderful way to use the word, shit, is using it in a form of anger.
- “I’m going to go ape shit on that kid if he doesn’t stop kicking the back of my seat.”
- “That’s bull shit, and you know it!” (You can also replace bull shit with crock of shit. It means the same thing).
- “Eat shit and die!” This one, I’m not so sure about. I don’t think you can eat shit and die from it, but if you lace it ahead of time with arsenic I’m certain there would be a much different outcome.
- “You’re a piece of shit.” This is direct and to the point. I use it often especially when driving; even though the person can’t hear me.
Of course, we always use the word, shit, when something is awesome:
- Are you shitting me???!
- That’s epic shit (normally stated when drunk or stoned).
- Look! Free shit! (this is normally stated when you’re at an expo and walk away with pens, magnets, calendars and cookies). You also have a shit eating grin on your face because you got free shit just by walking in…for free.
- Holy shit! This is a fascinating one because I have never seen any sort of shit being baptized with holy water, nor have I seen a piece of shit perform three miracles. Unless you’re the pope, then you shit just plain ‘ol shit.
If you’re in trouble or drunk (A lot of times these two situations go hand in hand):
- “Oh, what a dumb shit. You’re in deep shit now.”
- If the person in trouble wants help, your response is, “Fuck that shit, I’m outta here.”
- “You look like shit.” This could be a good interpretation of someone who had a bad night, or possibly they had a complete night’s rest and you just insulted the shit out of them.
- “I was scared shitless, and shit a brick.Yep. I shit my pants, and I’m not proud of it either.”
- “He was so shit faced, that he hit his head on the curb. That proves he has shit for brains…stupid shit head.”
- “Hey, shit happens. Looks like you’re on her shit list now, so quit shooting the shit and go apologize.”
Other phrases, I just don’t get. Why would I want shit on a shingle? Does that sound tasty to you? Also, absolutely no one I know has ever shit on a parade because that would have to be one ginormous shit.
I love swear words because they are so versatile. It’s like having a white shirt that can be paired with five different pairs of pants to make entirely different fashion statements. Accessories also help by bedazzling your look.
My dog once ate one of my sweaters that had sequins on it. He had bedazzled shit.
I’m not shitting you.
Oh, and if you really want to know how popular shit is, there is a website called, “Rate my poo.” I discovered this website when my boys were younger. They would laugh hysterically or let out loud “EEEEEW’s!” My kids would sometimes shit out something so big they would insist on naming it.
It must be a guy thing.